Update

Hi Everyone !!

I think it's Tuesday ... LOL .... (Yup, That is right Deb, laughing out loud), can you hear me?

I have not yet uploaded any pics from the crew at the yard sale, I can't seem to find my USB connector for the camera. I am sure it is in this pile of crap I call an office these days.

I am still sore and stiff from dancing in the rain on Saturday. I knew I would pay, but it was so much fun, and I had to be as up as possible given that all those who came out to help, spent a good portion of their day in the elements for me. I cannot begin to say thanks for all they have done, and continue to do on my behalf. Makes me wonder what makes me so worthy of such wonderful people. I have always been so very blessed by the people I have had in my life. ALWAYS !!! My mother said to me once .... "I don't know how you get so many wonderful friends?" ..... LOL ..... now I did laugh, as did she, but she was right that I often had an "attitude." Most people never really understood my "attitude." Hell ... even I didn't understand my attitude at times, and even now, when my BGs are up or down to the extreme, I don't like the person I become. I often times don't remember much of what become of me, but listening to recaps, I can be .... bitchy, moody, nasty on occasion .... (imagine, me nasty ?? lol ) aggressive, argumentative, and yet, those who stand closest, are those that most likely have taken the brunt of my "attitude." My apologies !! I apologize to Hilly on a regular basis this last couple of years. She has rescued my ass on many occasions, and always keeps a great sense of humor about it. Not to mention, it works in her favor for ammo on future paybacks. I know she worries, I know that at times, I have scared the crap out of her. Not intentionally, but she always manages to keep her cool. In many ways, she is a lot like my mother and myself. A grace under fire, calm, take care of business first, fall apart later sort of approach. I am very proud of her and her abilities to "take care of business" and I know that it has taken its toll on her too over the last few years. But, it is what makes us the strong women we are. ROCK ON .... GIRL POWER .... and all that crap !!

I had my dobutamine stress test yesterday. It went better than I remember the last one going. It only took three sticks and two people to get a line in this time. (I have terrible veins and years of scar tissue which has formed where they always seem to need to be. When you add the fact that you can't eat or drink anything for 12 hours prior, that makes it even tougher as I am not hydrated, which of course does wonders when trying to pop into a vessel. In any event, I am showing the usual black and blues, but I do believe that we are on our way !! I should know .... in a week or so. The waiting is really starting to get to me. With all the other things I am trying to stay on top of, like my job, and getting my father situated into some sort of care facility before I get underway, is not making the whole "get into the right frame of mind" any easier to accomplish. Anyway .... the results will be given to me on the 4th of January, but I have requested that they be faxed to the transplant team prior to that, regardless of what they read. I think I did okay, I could see the monitor, and to me, it looked as though the chambers were all beating in accordance to the rules, and the walls were thickening upon increased heart rate. That is what they are looking for. To make sure my heart can withstand the effort of the stress. I have had two cardiac catheterizations done in the last 5 years, primarily when I had my ablations, but there were no signs of cardiac disease. (A real miracle given my family history, and the added risk factor of being diabetic). I believe, that I am the only one of all my siblings that does not suffer from high blood pressure. I feel, and have always believed that it was my outlook, and humor that has helped me keep things in perspective. Even when life seems incredibly painful and cruel, I sink, usually pretty deep, and then I come up laughing. Lately, I am feeling a little depressed, overwhelmed, anxious, not sure I can remember the last time I had all these feelings going at the same time. I usually have some sort of clue as to what might come next, and since my mom passed away, nothing seems to have any direction. It is like a crap shoot, hope for the best, and take it as it comes. I am not sure if I am scratching my watch, or winding my ass these days..... and the gray hair, seems to be shining through even the darkest of colors. I don't even have the energy to color my hair...LOL .... my vanity is not completely shot, I still plump up the wrinkles in spite of the fact Hillary has started calling me "Mother Willow!!"
(Like Pocahontas ... a tree that you can tell how old it is by the rings around it!!) Nice kid hey !! We tease each other out of fun, to keep life light .... and I tell her that they are not wrinkles, they are laugh lines .... and they just prove how much laughing I have done over the years.

Okay .... well .... tomorrow I have my last dental appointment, and then I am transplant ready as far as the prerequisites go. It is all about the waiting now. I just know that when I get that call, I am going to lose it big time. Not in a bad way, but I am going to have to take a few hours to just ball and regroup.....maybe pack a bag. Deb-Deb will be driving the virgin trip with me, and she seems to be very excited to accompany me, even though she knows how bad I can be <<<>>>> ..... an dhow much I love to have control of the door and window locks....LOL.
It is the support, emotionally, that I can never begin to explain or repay the people that have offered to travel with me. Wonder how fast I will be weeding through them ?? I know that to watch someone as a patient can be harder than being the patient. It is not an easy job to watch someone take the pain, to suffer through whatever the problem may be. I know, I have been on both sides of the table. With my mother, I spent days be her bedside on more than one occasion, with her unresponsive, but she knew .... I could tell, just holding her hand, no words having to be spoken, with just a stroke, a slight squeeze, a kiss, that she knew I was there for her, and she often responded with the slightest touch of a squeeze. Towards the end, last 5-7 years, I often cut my mom off from surgery or medical procedures I had to undergo, and underwent them alone, due to the fact I knew how she felt about all the poking they have to do with me and she would get very frustrated, which in turn caused more anxiety on my part, when she would start snapping at the nurses etc. It was just easier for me to undergo it alone. I knew she was with me in spirit, and she always knew that where I was (usually with J&P here in AZ) that they would watch over me and make sure things were okay. It takes a special person to know that power of silence, that just a touch, and a soft stroke can make the world easier to cope with. She was always just a phone call away, or close of my eyes and I knew she was with me. Sounds sort of sappy I know, but my mother and I had a very deep, bonded connection, it is something I cannot begin to explain to people, but I like to think that those who knew us, or witnessed us together, knew of the bond. I need to have her with me .... on this journey ... I know that she would want to be part of this in a big way.

For me, the whole accepting of help and support has been a learning process I am still not real comfortable with. I like to think of myself as always having been more than independent. When I depend on other people (like a husband or a so-called SO) and the expectation of someone caring about and for you comes into play, I have pretty much always been let down. I had one relationship that ended in part because I was unable to accept the caring, always expecting to be let down. That was a difficult lesson, to let go of the expectations. My bad, as he was a wonderful man, I just had too many issues to deal with at the time, but in hind sight, (gotta love that hindsight) I learned about me, my comfort areas, and that life is always a test of letting our guard down. How far are you willing to go ?? Well..... as most of you know, I am still single .... so my guess is that no one has been willing to go that far where I am concerned .... LOL .... and I am sort of picky too since being divorced. I want what I want .... lol .... because I am worth it !!! (I gave it to Loreal :D)

And, so I too, deserve my beauty sleep ... lol .... like 2 weeks wouldn't get rid of the wrinkles I seem to see multiplying on my face these last weeks ..... I might have to invest in a spatula and spackle pretty soon... and I don't wear makeup anymore, just my mascara!!!

Well .... I am off to pillow-land to pay some bills .... Hilly is watching Gone with the Wind .. LOL ..... she is such an old movie buff ... she cracks me up, and Maggie is already sacked out as todays trip to the vet traumatized her into exhaustion (and I will take that any way I can get it these days).

I am trying to get Hilly to be a "Guest blogger" for me in the coming days, to tell you about some of what she has been feeling and dealing with these past months and the whole process of the transplant and effects on her. Hopefully, she will consider this an honor for me and do it soon.

On that note, I wish you all a wonderful and restful evening !!!
Peace
et