As the years comes to a close .....

Hello all !!

I am not really sure of all that is happening in recent weeks.
I think ... and it has been a long time since having felt this way, that I am in a funk, a depression, and wanting desperately for it to end. There have been times in my life, where I want to just be left alone, to regroup, sort out, and revitalize (I have always done this on the ocean, which should indicate the length of time since feeling like this). I believe that time is here now. I am so not into a holiday spirit of any sort. I don't begrudge those that are, I smile and move through the motions knowing it will all be over soon, and with that, hope for a new day, a fresh outlook. Maybe that is what the season is about in some sense. Not really sure about much these days. I have been operating on auto pilot for some time now. My stamina is down, energy is down, spirit diminished. There is still so much I want to do, get done, personally, professionally, spiritually.

I have been fighting a cold now for a couple of weeks, and with the weather last weekend and being out in it all day didn't help. My blood sugars have been up and down like a yoyo, which makes me a little moody, cranky and unfocused. I have not done much this weekend, I am trying to rehydrate, and rest, as it will likely be a hectic week work wise.

Yesterday afternoon, my dad called me all upset about a phone call he received the night before from some guy in MO. This man apparently has been housing one of my younger brothers (no brains, big mouth, always been in trouble). Well, it would seem that the brother took off with $2000 in cash and was dropped at a local bus station. Thus .... they think he is headed this way. As a friend indicated to Hillary yesterday, "The Saga continues." It is always something, we can't seem to catch a break. In any event, Hillary and I, again, went to the police, described the situation, and asked if they could keep an eye out. As an elderly person who still thinks he is tough, my father doesn't see himself as the easy target others do. We then went to my dad and explained what he needed to do should this person show up on his door step .... one DO NOT open the door. The police told us that he could call 911 if he couldn't see through the peep hole and someone was knocking on his door, that they would come right out and check on the situation. This will continue for the next 3 days as we are anticipating that as the length of time it would take him to get here on a bus. This brother is running from warrants, for probation violations, robbery with a deadly weapon, and no doubt a few other charges, now grand theft. In any event, he has put fear into my parents prior to my mother's passing as well, and my father has been told what he needs to do if he indeed does not want him in his home. We will see where this goes. Something about a ruined holiday with one's stupid actions and/or behavior always brings back memories of my childhood, and on occasion, my marriage. Not sure why certain people feel they are the only ones on the planet, and that their actions do not effect others, I just don't understand it. Perhaps I want to be more simple than the world will allow. "Why can't everyone just play nice together?" .... LOL ..... My feelings have always been, if you don't like me, stay away from me, if you do, well .... lets laugh and share our outlooks, laugh, cry, whatever....LIVE!! Do you think you might want to know me better? Well .... you never know until you try. I have always enjoyed hearing other's stories of defeat, diversity, overcoming of the seemingly impossible. There are more situations out there, that make ours look so incredibly minute. The whole aspect of sharing trying times, makes us better people for looking outside of ourselves, and perhaps trying to see ourselves in a situation of extreme expression. For as bad as some people think my life has become (and it is in a downward spiral) there are so many others out there that are coping with things I am not sure I could handle. I know the saying, my mother used to say it all the time to me "God only gives us what we can handle." I sometime disagree with that statement. I often times lately, think that there are a few people I know right off the top, that could use a good lesson in the human spirit, raw emotions, face-to-face compassion. It is a very scary place to be, people have to know, feel, have the ability to place themselves in a very vulnerable place. That is not easy to do, especially the emotionally retarded ....LOL.... I believe that if you love someone, you tell them, doesn't matter time or place or situation, it may be your last opportunity to do so. Maybe that makes me a sort of "sap" in the aspect of human spirit.

Lots of rambling going on I guess. No real focus on my thoughts ... just the spirit of human nature. The good hearts, that truly out number the bad, yet it seems that only the bad get the attention, the good goes undetected, unnoticed, unrewarded.

In the spirit of the season, tell those you love that you love them, tell them what they mean to you, the impact on your life that being part of it has meant. In the big scheme of things, I can't imagine it not making you feel so very appreciative, gratified, uplifted, a sense of being renewed, and recharged. (okay ..... someone should plug me in now so I get some of this recharging too!!)

I am trying .... really I am ..... to put life into some sort of perspective these days, and come out once again, on top of the odds. Perhaps this posting means nothing to anyone, but it is a way for me to look at what I have been trying so desperately lately to put into play, to put myself at peace with my choices, and the people that have played such important roles in my life, the people that have been my friends for years, in good and bad, happy, sad, bitchy, moody, etc. and always stood by me for whatever their reasons. I have been so very blessed with these people. To have them in my life goes beyond any words, actions, etc. How do you convey such appreciation and gratitude for the gift of friendship and unconditional love ???? It at times makes me feel very small, so very undeserving, in spite of the fact I don't consider myself to be a bad person, still .... something seems to be missing.

I guess it is just going to be a pondering day ... heheheh .... well .... I have to go finish my laundry, get some cleaning done, play with my puppy, go out and shovel the mine field in the front yard as tomorrow is trash day .... lol ....

To those on the east coast, hope you are all warm and snuggled up with a good book and some hot chocolate, as it looks like you might be snow-bound for a day or so. :) It is pretty to look at, but I don't miss it one bit.

Enjoy your afternoon and peace be with you all !!!
et