Hump Day

Good evening,

What a day it was today. I am thinking the moon has something to do with this as I heard many huffing and puffing throughout the day....LOL. I have a ton of work to get through having been out of the office yesterday to travel to Phoenix for an appointment with my endocrine gal.

It was a productive appointment for the most part. We had a discussion about the risks and benefits of the trial on my health. Much of what we discussed I was already very much aware of, but with working with Dr. Phillips, and needing to develop that open line of communication with the followups in the event I have some sort of emergency and need a doctor closer to home. (like the two hour ride to Phoenix is that much closer sometime). In any event, she did agree that something needs to be done at this point in my life....... or it is going to get cut short at any given moment given the unpredictability of the critical blood sugars. I have been so incredibly lucky thus far, that I am able to awaken during the night feeling weird .... and that somehow I manage to get to the kitchen and as Hillary describes it "eat everything I can get into my mouth" to try and elevate the situation, many times never remembering much if any of the event. The rebounding is just as bad. Like this morning .... I apparently crashed at some point during the night .... no clue when ..... and when I awoke this morning at 4:45 am my blood sugar was 445 !!!! Way to high, for me, the higher they go, the more miserable I am. I had excruciating abdominal pain, nausea, my body felt hot, I was just so out of it and cranky I just wanted to go back to bed for the two hour time frame that is involved in taking an injection (anything that high I inject for rather than depending on the pump) .... a protocol for high BGs on pump therapy. Again, no recollection of the event, so I have no idea what I may have eaten or drank that could explain the high BG on awakening. So .... I plowed through the morning ... the faster I tried to move to get ready for work, the further behind and later I seemed to be. I am just totally exhausted in coping with everything going on these days ...... from day-to-day work, house work, my father, who is becoming increasingly more whiny, sniveling, and demanding on my time. I realize there are still things to take care of involving my mother's passing, but he pissed and moaned for a year now, and all of a sudden, now knowing he can't stay where he is and as always, living in freaking denial, I just can't cope with it all and it is apparently showing in all who know me. Another fact I wasn't thrilled to hear recently, thinking I am coping in my usual, plow forward attitude. But, I am told that my eyes have lost their sparkle, and I am just not the same. Not much more elaboration was put into that confrontation by some of my coworkers last week.

Okay ... back to yesterday's appointment. I had a couple of questions for Dr. Phillips which she openly answered for me, I think we both know what is going to happen to me .... LOL ... it is going to happen to all of us at one time or another, but I really am not ready to go to the other side just yet. When I was told (or heard doctors tell my parents back in 1972) that I would never see my 21st birthday, well.... I made some decisions that were probably considered to be foolish. I married to get out of the house, the way my brothers joined the service. I thought I was in love, but in the end, I didn't even really like him, never mind love him. Yet I stayed and put up with relentless bullshit, abuse, both verbally and physically, and constant degrading. which I brought to an end when Hillary was small and witnessed one of the smack down sessions. The adultery went on pretty much the whole time I was married. Only stating that this was a tremendous wear on my body and soul over the 15 years we were together. Having been raised Catholic, I fought with that whole believe system for a long, depressing time, before I made the decision to get out. Something that is hard to explain to someone who has not lived with this sort of conflict, abuse, addiction, whatever you want to call it. It has many names in my opinion, and in my case, often times, stupidity. Never again, will I allow someone to bring me down the way this man did at the time. I overcame, I survived, and I went on but not without a lot of wear and tear on my body, and psyche too.

In our discussion yesterday, it was made clear that I was NOT to travel alone to San Francisco under any circumstances. Which sort of pissed me off, in spite of the fact that several people have offered to travel with me when Hillary can't, but that I can't do it by myself. Which often times is how I have opted to deal with my health issues. I don't want to say I am difficult, I really don't think I am as a patient, my body takes care of that on its own. But, to have someone, perhaps that can't take the smells of a hospital, or seeing someone in pain, or not feeling so great, or in my case, looking like shit!! .... LMAO .... I don't like to be a burden on people. Then there is the fact, that most of those of have volunteered to travel with me, have never traveled with me before .... LOL .... which is a trip all in of its own. I am a small girl in mind, and so very easily amused ..... which can make for some, too much laughter, too much sick sense of humor, and then there is the time where I can retreat into myself and become very quiet in my thoughts, not wanting or needing to talk. I can't help but feel that there may be a lot of that to come given what may or may not happen. Dr. Phillips explained to me that she has about 8 patients that have gone through this sort of procedure. Two didn't take at all. I am aware of this fact. She stated that even if it doesn't work for me, she didn't see it making me "any worse" than I am right now. But ..... (always have them in the mix) .... there is the risk my liver may not take to the transplant. She explained that a couple of patients just couldn't handle the effects on the liver. Others had no problems. On a good note, those that were successful, had a good 5-8 years out of it, and two or three she said only needed to use insulin on a very small scale and required no boluses for coverage. So .... given the fact that I am not ready to throw in the towel yet, I am still ready to face whatever lie ahead, hopefully with a little grace, and a rewarding outcome. She stated that I could be looking at "another ten good years!" Not remembering what life could be like prior to injections, testing, pump therapy, constant pricks .... hehehe ..... I guess it will all be new to me in the event it is successful. A thought I refuse to let go of in spite of how wiped out I am currently. I am and have been feeling sort of blue lately. A combination of a few things I am sure. I miss my mother awful ..... everyday..... would just love to hold a good, decent conversation about all that is going on in my life, and am I crazy, to plow forward, to want more, to want the chance to do some of the things I always dreamed of doing, but was held up in caring for someone else, lack of love, money, companionship. I know my mother wanted to see me have that before she died, but I tried very hard to show her that I had, and continue to do so, survive on my own. I know Hillary will be flying the coup soon, I don't expect her to be with me forever, hell, I can't believe she is still with me now. She is so driven, so determined, she knows what she wants, she knows it takes hard work and dedication to achieve these things and I just know that I had something to do with that and it makes my heart full. I know she worries about me, but she has also been such a tremendous support, always telling me I am not too old, I still look "cute" on certain days ... which I find all too amusing. Its just a really good feeling.

I tried to assure Dr. Phillips, she almost always looks at me at a certain point in our appointments and shakes her head. I told her yesterday, I have to pick what needs my attention most at any given moment, I can't sweat because a number is out of range, I have the knowledge and know-how to correct it, maybe not without damage, but I can get a quick handle on it, and it is of my utmost concern that I don't hurt anyone, or myself either for that matter, and get to the next phase. I also told her that this thought process in conjunction with my wonderful sense of humor is what I believe has carried me as long as I have managed to live on this earth, and hopefully, it will carry me just a little bit further. I have a few things I still want to do on this earth .... an island trip, a trip to Ireland, a return trip to Europe, and sex !!!! LMAO .... yep .... it was on a recent wish list I got via email, when most were wishing to win the lottery, I was wishing for sex .... LOL .... whatever .... I think I remember how its done I just need to hold out hope for that person who can actually connect with me, understand me, not be offended by me, take my independence as a strength and not a character flaw, and just share life with me. It really isn't that hard, it is sort of a comfort thing. But, something .... I still hold out hope for.

Ok ... well .... I have a load of wash to fold and Maggie needs some affection (she has an ear infection).

I wish everyone a wonderful relaxing evening !! (do some for me :D
Peace and thanks for tuning in !!

et