Hi ....
This will be a short posting. It has been an incredibly long, stressful, and physically beating week thus far, and I have a screaming headache. I did the stress test on Monday, black and blue .... worked 9 hours in the office on Tuesday (making up a little bit of time so not to use all my PTO before I get to CA), dentist yesterday afternoon, for which my face is still sore and swollen, and today I was in the office at 6:30 as I had to leave early again to take my father for a CT scan. Now, while awaiting for him to be taken care of, my cell phone rang with my youngest brother on the other end. He had been drinking, as is the norm, and he is telling me how it is .... and that if I can get him here he will pack up my father and take him back to VA to live in his house (he neglected to say it was actually a house he lives in with some woman). I can see this happening now ...... NOT !!! (Not only that, what makes him think I have spare funds?) Hillary and I are barely afloat, struggling like most of America, but we are getting by, but with no extras, like flying him here.
I am being bashed from all directions for wanting to place my father in an assisted living home, where someone can oversee his meds, he will be with people his own age and mentality, and yes, I won't have to worry so much and in return, kill myself. Apparently this makes me an incredible bitch..... and no doubt a few other things I am sure. I am doing what is best .... and recently found, the notebook my mother obviously had been making notes in prior to her passing. It has just reiterated what she did not want done, and that was me killing myself for him, knowing that the boys would wash their hands of it. However, I don't think she ever thought that they would turn on me as they seemed to have done. I had a revelation when I hung up on my younger brother this afternoon at 5:15 Arizona time, and that is...... I really don't need them in my life with all this BS attached. Not if all they are going to do is act like children, blame this one, that one, and me too!! Call me when you all grow up and can see the situation clearly, and not through tinted Bud bottles, and with any luck, I will still be here to take the call. Until that time, I have done my time, and the care taking belongs to me now. PERIOD !!! Oh and one more thing, the man shouldn't be driving, so screw his independence. I don't see one of them stepping up to register or insure his car in their names, (not only that there is an issue with getting my mother off the car, and him on it, and aquiring the title). I will not be held liable for his needed independence at the cost of my home, my car, my job, or someone else's Innocent life due to his reckless driving (he can't get a story straight to save his soul, so I can only imagine what he is spouting off about). He has been witnessed driving through lights to beat the oncoming vehicles, and nearly t-boning them. He thinks no one around here knows who he is or what he drives, but Hillary and I both work in this area, and we have lots of friends, and most of them have met mom and dad, so yes, he is known. Reality is here boys, if you can't look at it head on, then turn away and shut up about it. (Can't play with the big dogs, better stay on the porch !! )
People have called me a dreamer, well nothing screams dreamer than those that view the world thru rose colored glasses and see nothing wrong with the situation here. The view is not that attractive. It is really eye-opening to know that family can be so petty, so childlike, so full of denial, and full of blame, becase of a fear of taking a long hard look at oneself and acknowledging that we all have flaws. I know that grief shows itself differently in everyone, but I see no real reasoning behind what has transpired here between myself and my siblings, or lack of transpiring in the past year. Perhaps it may be called a guilty conscious? I have no guilt. I know what I have done, and I would do it again, for in spite of difficulties at times, we had the relationships that perhaps you missed out on, and others were envious of. I would like my time to grieve, and get on with the future, and the potential of mine.
I stated before and I will state again, I love my brothers for the individuals they are, but no where is it written that I have to like them, or agree with their behaviors or how they cope. Not my problems, not my fix. I have my own, and right now, they want it to be all about them, and guess what, it is time for it to be all about ME. I am not washing my hands of my father, I am trying to make sure that he is in a safe place, with someone to monitor his meds and condition. People of his own generation to talk to and live in the reminiscent time he seems to be stuck in. I guess that makes me a bad person. So be it. I will pay the powers that be when I am called to serve him. Until then .....
Sleep well my friends !!
peace and light
et
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