Good Morning !!

It's early here in AZ .... and cold !! Hilly just left for work, so it will be a long 12 hours of day and duties for both of us. It makes me happy when she leaves for work so enthusiastically. She loves her job and is getting so totally pumped for the nursing program to start. She came in with new scissors and her pen light yesterday. She has a lot of items she has to purchase for the program, including new scrubs, (students have to wear a certain color) so she can't wear scrubs with Tinkerbell on them to school !! ..... LOL .... she loves working with the kids/babies lately. She had to become certified at the hospital in order to care for the little ones. So now she has two areas she would like to focus on in her career, trauma or kids .... seems like two totally different ends of the spectrum to me ... but she is determined to go far with her degree and to continue her education through the ranks. I know most kids would just go to school and acquire their degrees, but in our case (poor, single, white women) we have no choice but to work and go to school. So for this .... I so totally admire Hillary's drive and determination. She knows what she wants, and she knows it will take hard work to get it. Don't get me wrong, she is not always happy about the amount of work that goes into her career choice and schooling. Stating that maybe she should "get knocked up" so she too can have free child care, tuition paid, etc. This sort of disgruntles her, and with good cause. It seems that those that try to follow the rules of the law, have decent morals and ethics, somehow pay a much higher price for certain things in life. Still so, I have raised Hillary to see the difference in these sorts of people. Those that have things handed to them their whole lives, don't seem to have the true appreciation of their work, and what other suffer with to get by.

In my case, I remember being a "dumby" so to speak for a couple of Hillary's science projects during her high school years. She used me and my pump to explain my disease. I also remember her coming home and making comment on how many kids went up to her saying "sorry." Hillary's response to these kids was this: "Don't feel sorry for me, or my mom." "It is not what defines her, it's just part of who she is and what she deals with on a daily basis." "It's so not WHO she is, my mom is funny and smart, so don't feel sorry for her." I was pretty amazed by those comments coming from a sophomore in high school. As I have always said to Hillary, there are and have been times over the years that it seemed pretty bleak for me, (when I first went on my pump) doctors were telling me to "put my affairs in order" (1998) ..... affairs ... LOL .... now there is a subject .... LOL .... anyway .... my point is someone else has it worse than I do. I believe that, so I really have no room to whine and carry on. I do, however, want people to know how devastating living with this disease can be, and how it effects every aspect of ones life, and that no matter how well things may be controlled, no one is perfect, and that with the ability to effect every major organ system, there must be an underlying awareness ... of what COULD happen.

I have been sort of nonchalant shall we say, in this outlook. Yes, I am very much aware of what could happen, but I refuse to focus on that aspect. I have had doctors over the years, recently Dr. Phillips, who shake their heads at me. I stated to her just last week, I know this irritates, maybe just baffles her, I don't know, but I believe that my attitude has really blessed me with still being here and whatever happens is meant to be. I am not being any less diligent in my care, I am not being noncompliant in my medication regimen or fine tuning of my bolus and basal rates. I tweek them as needed under a algorithm I have been using for years with adjustments made as patterns erupt. I have no real control over the powers that be and how this is taking its toll on my body over the years. I just plow ahead as I always have, lately it seems with less focus due to so many things that still DEMAND my attention in what other's might refer to as the real world. My real world, includes all of these aspects, which can be exhausting at times, thus creating a sense of depression. ( going way back to some earlier posts). ANY ONE person who deals with chronic anything, is bound to suffer from depression at one time or another. It helps to have people around who understand you. I have been so incredibly lucky to have friends that truly "get me" .... and some have stated they could never do my life. I am not out to amaze anybody, I am so deeply touched by those who feel I am some sort of "amazing woman," but I am really just an ordinary gal .... trying to get by .... and doing the best I can (most days) with the hand in which I have been dealt. I too, will lose this hand at some point. I have, in my opinion, won many battles, but it is the overall war, that I want to be remembered for making a difference, trying to really improve the next generation of kids afflicted with this disease. It sucks, it pretty much takes away a real childhood as many know it, and require those of us afflicted to become adults, responsible, and any other big people word you would like to attach to it, much faster than our counter parts in the big scheme of things. It makes us unique individuals .... and for that I am proud to be part of the club. I have spent a lot of time alone, in my thoughts, wondering, daydreaming, ....... what my life would have been like without it .... I can honestly say .... there were things I did, that I would not do again, and I would not struggle as I have over the years. I guess in hind sight, if I had been given a choice other than "This kid will never see 21" I may have made different decisions, but that sort of always hung in the back of my mind. I am not blaming anyone, I just often wonder what my life would have been like in different circumstances instead of still wondering what I want to be when I grow up at age 46 !!! :D

Now, as I face all these fast coming changes, I wonder, do I have the stamina at this phase to survive one last push? Without my mother (who I do feel with me during this process on some level), who was always interested in how I coped, and what was going on in the world of research and change, on top of all the responsibilities I have, my house, my job, my car payments, my dog, and the most demanding of all these days, my father. I am unsure of how much of all of this I can keep a focus on ..... if I lose my job, I lose my house, my car, and then my father loses me, (not that I feel this would be of any great loss to him other than someone to take care of his business, which I think he should have learned to do many, many years ago), and then what ???? My daughter loses her mom, her friend, her guidance that has always been unconditional and never held against her for whatever reason. Who will she turn to? How will she cope? I know that I have given her the tools to do this, but as any of us who have suffered any sort of loss knows, the younger we are, the harder it is to deal with, the older we get is suppose to make it easier I guess, I don't believe that, each one hurts deeply, and often times, it is others response that adds to the loss. I know that for me, the "I don't give a shit what you think" attitude has done wonders for me (not intentionally wanting to hurt others) but this is how I feel, and this is how I am going to cope not only with my losses, but with your attitude towards my losses. (Not sure if that made any sense or not??)

Okay .... well ..... as I am sure many can see, my mind is flying in many different directions lately. We are at one week count down to the yard sale, I see the cardiologist on Thursday morning for status of that dobutamine stress test (yuk) .... and then .... well ..... it's any ones guess as to what will transpire next. The uncertainty is always what gets to me .... I have no control ..... guess that could be considered an issue ... LMAO .....

Okay ... that is enough rambling for this morning .... heheheh ..... it is cold, I am stiff and painful, with lots of household chores to accomplish before the start of a new work week. Maggie has to go to the Vet in the morning for that ear and .... well ... a ton of yard sale details to get done this week, and most likely in the dark.

Posts may be limited this week, but never fear .... the yard sale update will be posted !!!!
Thanks to all who have stepped up to help out with this event, Thanks to the few who post comments here on the blog, they really keep me on track, knowing that someone out there is really reading, listening, being touched in some way by what is being posted. Thanks and PLEASE keep it up as I greatly appreciate the feedback!!!

Love and light to all !!
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