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Hi Everyone !!

Well .... past week has been hell in all aspects. Family ..... well .... the direct family members will most likely not be playing any sort of role in my transplant process due to their own issues and for some reason geography seems to be a big excuse. In any event, I think I can come to terms with that pretty easily, in spite of the hurt that it leaves. I knew even before my mother died of the "Big I, little you" syndrome. Since her death, it is like they have no father to cope with, and no sister either. So .... really doesn't matter much what happens to either of us, or how it happens and that thier actions will play no role what-so-ever in the outcome of the situation. So be it ..... they have to live with their decisions not me and even though I do not agree with their methods of dealing with their issues, it is not my place, they belong to them, not to me. I have my own, in which I mentioned to my sister-in-law just the other day, not one of my brothers would survive even a week in my shoes, never mind 37 years, and I don't believe they ever could. I wish them the best in their quest for their own solitude, unfortunately, I don't believe they will ever look past where they are at right this moment. Again, not my call.

Okay ..... well, on to bigger happenings ..... we did the yard sale yesterday and was a complete disaster in the fact that it was raining all day except for maybe two hours .... and in that time it was cold. In spite of Mother Nature we did okay. I have a few pics to upload to place on the blog here of me and my crazies die-harding in the weather for the cause. In spite of the weather, we made a little over a thousand dollars!!!! We had to pack up a little before one as it started to pour and we just didn't feel like it was going to pan out. So .... with the 8-10 of us left, some being there a good portion or all day, (Hillary and Meghan were at the clinic at 6 AM). We divided the donations into things we may be able to try again with, and a large donation made to Goodwill yesterday afternoon. I could not believe the donations made on my behalf and in hopes of a real positive cure for the future of the disease. I later contacted the storage facility and asked if perhaps we could extend the generosity until after the holidays .... he said without hesitation, "Yes, don't worry about anything until after the holidays." The manager also made mention that he was totally delighted with having met Hillary, and the determination, passion, caring, and guts she had in her undertaking of the project on her mother's behald. (That made me incredibly proud even though I am so very much aware of Hillary's compassion for others) In the meantime, he is going to contact his district manager in regard to perhaps extending out another month or so, so that we may try once again, in perhaps a little bit better weather to make a dent. So in spite of the fact that I can almost bet, every one's back is feeling the pain of yesterdays effort. I know that every joint in my body hurts today and is exacerbated by the rain of which is still coming down. The crazy dancing on the street with another person on a couple of occasions yesterday to try and drive in business, was something I knew I was going to pay for, but ..... got to do what you got to do ..... right ??

Hillary went off to work this morning a hurting unit. This has been a tremendous undertaking on her part. She has really put out so much energy and effort to the cause, and not without emotional stress. She was in tears on Friday when she went to the clinic to check on the sign up sheet for help. She called me at my office (25 minutes away) to update me and she was teary, just overwhelmed with the outpouring of people donating. It is a sort of indescribable feeling to someone who has never experienced it before. I myself, cannot come up with the right words to thank all these people, or to let them know what their generosity means to me, and my daughter. They are giving me the opportunity to extend my life, not knowing how long, or if this will even work for me. I don't feel like my volunteering to undergo this transplant as any sort of heroic undertaking, I do, however, hope that by me donating me, that I can help me gain extra life, but that even more, the researchers can learn how to make it all work, and make it work for the future generation without so many trade offs. I would love to go technical on you, but not sure how many people would actually relate to some of the medical jargon. (I am considered a sort of medical geek, being accused of knowing things that people just shouldn't know ..... LOL).

Onto the last piece of info for today as I am really stiff, and I am in process of laundry, and trying to get some cleaning up done around here, and that is my dobutamine stress test will be performed tomorrow afternoon. I am not looking forward to this in any way, shape, or form. This is NOT running on a tread mill, this is a chemically induced heart rate increase with photos (an echo) of blood flow, reaction to the chemical, stress on the heart muscle. It is in my opinion not a pleasant undertaking, it can be downright scary, and I have had enough crap done to my body to know. Anyway ... I have to go to work, as for as understanding and supportive as my employer has been, I still have a job to do, and missing all this time, not only for me, but for my father as well, it becoming a strain. I am just not physically capable anymore of taking care of everyone, (back to the sibling issue) and therefore, I need to take care of me first. I don't see that as selfish seeing as I am not sitting in my garage getting sauced on a daily basis blaming everyone else for how things go down. ..... LOL ...... mmmmmm ..... seems like one of those devaju' sort of happenings don't it .... LOL ... sorry .... this topic is really becoming almost amusing in the fact that it amazes me of those people who blame others for their own situations and happenings ..... I am unhappy and hurt in the aspect that my siblings have proven to be very unsupportive (it isn't like they don't know what is going on), but, that is MY issue, and I will overcome it as I cannot allow it to take over my life and become detrimental to the outcome of the transplant .... that sort of makes them big winners don't it .... LOL .... ?

Okay .,..... well, washer just stopped and my pump needs to be changed out, my tank is empty. It has been an incredibly stressful, and very emotional week for me, and it has shown in my blood sugars. I was so tired, and hurt so bad when we got home yesterday afternoon, all I wanted to do was lay down, I was also really hungry as I hadn't really had much to eat yesterday, needless to say, I hurt so bad, eating would have made me sick ..... almost everything effects the whole blood sugar thing .... so ..... I have no choice but to ride the wave. In which, I would like to end today's blog with a parting statement to me from one of Hillary's coworkers, and a sort of adoptive mom. Loleita is from Jamaica .... a beautiful soul, (her and her husband donated the washer and dryer) she gave me a huge hug yesterday upon departing the sale and said to me "As long as God is in the vessel darlin', you can smile at the storm." I just loved it .... and in her very charming accent, (Hilly and I are both sort of hung up on accents, some more than others) was the perfect comment to end the day!!!!

On that note, I wish you all a very happy, relaxing day.
Peace
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