Happy New Year !!!!

2010

and now I lay me down to sleep .....

hoping and dreaming of what may come in the new year.

Thanks to all who send love and light, and continuously keep me in their prayers for a better tomorrow.

I wish you all, continued friendship, love, health, wealth, happiness, and contentment in the days ahead.

PEACE

Peace

Statement of fact, from the heart

Hello Everyone !!

Well..... the New Year is upon us. All sorts of weird predictions going about. I only have my own outlook at this point to focus on.

I would like to make a statement from my heart. To all who have been reading and following my rants over the last couple of months, thank you!! For me, and this was all new to me, was a sort of therapy. I can toss it all out there, and not know if anyone reads it or not, stir emotions, feelings, etc. over what has been stated and my only hope is that we all take a look at who we are.

I am writing here on the blog to try and express that life has speed bumps for everyone. People are not perfect, I know I am not perfect, I never claimed to be perfect, and quite honestly, don't want to be perfect. So not me .... LOL. With that being said, what I write is my opinion, my feelings, my outlook, you may agree with me, or you may disagree with me. The point is, I am entitled to my opinion, and my knowledge in dealing with this disease while trying to live a life that appears normal (what is normal anyway?) can be and usually is a very demanding experience. So .... I hope to help in some small way, that those reading and following along, will learn something not only about me, but about themselves. That life throws all of us the BS that life has to offer and how we deal with it, present ourselves, makes a huge impact on those we come in contact with. Now ... I don't now, nor have I ever, considered myself some sort of guru, but I do feel that I have done a pretty good job living as long as I have with this disease, and also overcoming some very big obstacles that presented to me in my lifetime. Some of those being what we all have to cope with at some time in our life, loss, rejection, love, stress, birth, death, dying, dignity, pride (this one has nearly hung me out to dry on a couple of occasions), and some things, that a lot of people don't ever have to deal with, but .... are thrown the card (addiction, alcoholism, fraud, abuse, chronic health concerns, etc)

I know that some of my posts have been so off the mark, but this is what makes life - life.

EVERYONE on the planet deals with these issues .... no one is alone, we all have trials, (I can't for the life of me come up with a better descriptive for this.... so feel free to help me label it!) This may sound off-the-wall to some (Hippie-ish, flower-child-like as Hilly would say I am at times) but we all have the capacity to look past people's faults, to the person who resides inside and take a small step to be better people ourselves in the way we look at things. I know, first hand, that this is not always an easy feat, but I have always said that relationships are a two-way street, one cannot always be the giver or the taker, it wears on people, the spirit, the overall well being. We need to try ... and be just a little bit more understanding of each other, whatever the reason. If and when it can't possibly be done (and I know this can be the case in many situations) ..... then just turn and walk away, nothing more to be said..... and leave it alone, but at least try. Let it be known, and let it go.

As the new year comes into play, I hope .... that by my donating my body to the research of Type I diabetes and the potential outcome of the trial for future generations, and the hope that I benefit with an extension of my lifetime outlook, that I played some small role in opening the eyes and minds of people who had no idea. That we all deal with/cope with the world as it is tossed at us. I, at times, have felt that the world has not stopped throwing things at me, and the overwhelming stress to cope with each piece as it comes, in what seems to be the important matter at the time manner, has taken a toll on my body and my spirit. I want to make that better, I want to be a survivor once again, maybe for the last time, but I want to say that I fought, and I fought hard to make it a better place for all who not only live with Type I, but for all who have come in contact with me at some point throughout my life. I do feel, (based in large part on that first near death experience) that I was put here for some reason, I still am not sure what that reason was/is as I don't think I have done anything really noteworthy in my lifetime, but perhaps ... to allow those that have come in contact with me in this lifetime, to learn something about themselves, think a little deeper about actions, I don't know .... that whole saying about "Don't judge me until you have walked a mile in my shoes" is one I think about all the time. I know some of you think my life really sucks ... LOL .... but I can think of stories of people who have dealt with things that, to me, seem so much more tragic, devastating, that I am not sure I would survive them with such grace and dignity.

I guess ..... I just want us all to try .... and see what happiness and humor (cause I thrive with this stuff !!! ) life offers us ... even in the darkest of situations .... that is what I want from those who wish to follow/accompany me through this journey, a humor on life. I will no doubt have some dark days ahead, I hope that you all understand that and forgive me for any off-color postings that may come about and laugh WITH me .... my dark humor is what has helped me to overcome many of my big obstacles in life, that it passes, and those that share it with me, know they have been witness to some MAJOR "exorcist-like" behaviors .... LOL ..... when recalling some of these episodes ... there is always laughter .... I ask that you please don't hold a grudge, as I need to vent, I need to make known that I too, fear .... I worry, anticipate, have anxiety about the future ..... but, always .... HOPE ... for the best outcome possible.

So ... in the new year, I want to thank those that have already stepped up to the plate for me, and without you, I would be nothing, and that I so appreciate all I have learned from all of you. I am still not a perfect person .... but I am still fun loving, willing to learn something new ... and believe that there is great hope for the humanity in us all.

May the New Year bring us all the Peace and Comfort we are all so capable and deserving of !!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR !!!!!!!!!!

2010 is my year of Hope

The Day After ....

I love pretty colors .... LOL .... after yesterday's post I discovered I could sport my flair... :D

Anyway .... Good Morning !!!

I hope everyone enjoyed their Christmas Day. For me, it was very quiet, Hilly is working all weekend, so it was just Maggie and I. We hung around all day, me in my sweats hacking up a lung (still fighting this URI), and Maggie with her Christmas bone which again, I regret to inform the animal lovers in my life, IS destructible .... LOL ..... it lasted about two hours ... and she already has it to the point where I will have to take the $10 bone away from her due to the shredding of the "indestructible" rubber they claim is for "high energy chewers." What a crock!!! The jaw pressure on this dog baffles me ..... I am, however, so very happy she has not chewed on any furniture, or anything I would consider valuable ... not that my furniture is valuable .... I just can't afford to replace it. She is a chomper !!! But ... she lays so pretty with me when she is doing it .... content .... in front of the television .... LOL .... she is so totally engrossed in the television it makes me laugh. She will actually jump off her pillow and onto the couch so she has a head-on view of the TV, plops down and proceeds to chomp away while watching. Too funny !!!

Anyway .... Christmas was very quiet here in the Tyler household. I spoke with my dad yesterday morning, and I told him i would take him to a late lunch, early dinner today (not much open yesterday) as I was not up to cooking anything for just two of us. I feel like crap. I think it is a combination of things going on that has my BGs up and down. One ... the infection ... always a stress on the system, which I have been pumping myself full of Mucinex and supplements ... I do feel some relief ... but I think it has gone to my chest and that will require steroid medication ... which I HATE to use as it shoot up the BGs for about a week or more. I know they work well in the inflammation process, but they reek havoc on the kidneys and glucose control, so I try real hard to stay away from them. If I don't have any real relief by the end of the week, I will ask my cardiologist ... (hehehe) to prescribe something to take care of it. The other issue that has been presenting a problem is the fluctuating hormone levels which occur with "MENTALPAUSE" ..... LOL .... yes .... another phase of a woman's life that your mother never really gave you all the dirt on !! My mother and I did joke about the aspects of it on occasion, but never really got into the whole .... upheaval of the symptoms it presents. In my case, we add the diabetes, which is an endocrine disorder, therefore, hormones play a large role. I tried to tell my doctors this when I was a teenager, that I felt weird at certain times of the month. They of course, at the time, blew me off as nuts, It was all in my mind. Well.... after the Edmonton Protocol trial of the 80s it became clear the teenagers did in fact have blood sugar fluctuations that went along with certain times of development. Bite me again !!! If there is one thing I can say honestly and up front, is that over the years, I have learned a lot about my body, about myself, I know what can and does effect my moods via blood sugar .... it can often times be very discouraging ... but what was I to do. It was the hand I was dealt, I had better figure out how to cope with it and make the best our of what I had to deal with. I will admit, that there were times, (East coast Deb commented on in an earlier post) about my "mood swings" as a teenager. LOL .... yes, I can laugh at them now, I was a total bitch at times..... and a lot of times, it was out of my control. My body was doing it ... I don't think I have ever taken advantage of the "excuses" that some could use in this disease, to get ahead. If anything, I kept my disease to myself. Very few people know .... therefore, what they saw, was what they thought they were getting. Never to look much deeper than that, and that was how I liked it. I didn't want to be treated differently. I was still a person, I still had feelings, I still had dreams, desires, the wanting to further my education etc. etc. As a "newbie" I remember being treated differently. It was a terrible feeling for a 9-year-0ld, to suddenly be different. For the other kids to not understand, so many of them, and their parents too (ignorance in my opinion) thought I was contagious. How isolating do you think that could be for a kid. In hind sight, I don't think I did too bad carving out a place for myself. I am a unique individual, with many interests, I think I am smart, talented, and okay, not so hot anymore .... but there was a time .... LMAO .... that I was not too bad to look at. On my 45th birthday I remember my mom telling me in the middle of Red Lobster I should "upgrade your wrinkle cream" cause what I was using wasn't working so great. Like I said before .... they are laugh lines, blended with a couple of small scars .... war wounds ... and they all play a part in what I have become.

Okay .... well the menopause thing is effecting my blood sugars too in past months ... all this hot/cold/hot/cold crap ... it makes a woman sort of nuts .... LOL ... and now the dog is whining ... so I guess I need to get up and take her out. I just wanted a few minutes, and I got called from the hospital for records this morning so I was sitting here in front of the 'puter ....

I will try and touch base again here later this afternoon. Hope no one is going to attempt that whole gift return chaos today. Relax, hang out, enjoy the day, watch some basketball .... foot ball whatever. .... read a good book. I am stockpiling reading material in hopes of 7-10 days in isolation .... I can't remember that last time I had nothing but time to vegetate in a good book.

Have a good day .... talk at you all later !!!
Peace
et

MERRY CHRISTMAS !!!

To all my faithful followers ......
and to those who may have jumped on to come along for my ride .....

May the peace and joy of the season be with you all, all year long!!
I am focusing on the "peace and good will towards men" portion of the message for I have received so much love and support from so many various people over the past weeks that it only opens my heart to the fact that not all people are bad, that good still prevails, and we need to see more of it right here in our own backyards, and it is all so very possible.

Enjoy your day, enjoy the people you are with, enjoy the warmth and love that you feel on this day and know that those that are no longer with us are watching over us with open arms, love and peaceful guidance for the new year.

Peace and Light to all !!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS !!!!!

As the years comes to a close .....

Hello all !!

I am not really sure of all that is happening in recent weeks.
I think ... and it has been a long time since having felt this way, that I am in a funk, a depression, and wanting desperately for it to end. There have been times in my life, where I want to just be left alone, to regroup, sort out, and revitalize (I have always done this on the ocean, which should indicate the length of time since feeling like this). I believe that time is here now. I am so not into a holiday spirit of any sort. I don't begrudge those that are, I smile and move through the motions knowing it will all be over soon, and with that, hope for a new day, a fresh outlook. Maybe that is what the season is about in some sense. Not really sure about much these days. I have been operating on auto pilot for some time now. My stamina is down, energy is down, spirit diminished. There is still so much I want to do, get done, personally, professionally, spiritually.

I have been fighting a cold now for a couple of weeks, and with the weather last weekend and being out in it all day didn't help. My blood sugars have been up and down like a yoyo, which makes me a little moody, cranky and unfocused. I have not done much this weekend, I am trying to rehydrate, and rest, as it will likely be a hectic week work wise.

Yesterday afternoon, my dad called me all upset about a phone call he received the night before from some guy in MO. This man apparently has been housing one of my younger brothers (no brains, big mouth, always been in trouble). Well, it would seem that the brother took off with $2000 in cash and was dropped at a local bus station. Thus .... they think he is headed this way. As a friend indicated to Hillary yesterday, "The Saga continues." It is always something, we can't seem to catch a break. In any event, Hillary and I, again, went to the police, described the situation, and asked if they could keep an eye out. As an elderly person who still thinks he is tough, my father doesn't see himself as the easy target others do. We then went to my dad and explained what he needed to do should this person show up on his door step .... one DO NOT open the door. The police told us that he could call 911 if he couldn't see through the peep hole and someone was knocking on his door, that they would come right out and check on the situation. This will continue for the next 3 days as we are anticipating that as the length of time it would take him to get here on a bus. This brother is running from warrants, for probation violations, robbery with a deadly weapon, and no doubt a few other charges, now grand theft. In any event, he has put fear into my parents prior to my mother's passing as well, and my father has been told what he needs to do if he indeed does not want him in his home. We will see where this goes. Something about a ruined holiday with one's stupid actions and/or behavior always brings back memories of my childhood, and on occasion, my marriage. Not sure why certain people feel they are the only ones on the planet, and that their actions do not effect others, I just don't understand it. Perhaps I want to be more simple than the world will allow. "Why can't everyone just play nice together?" .... LOL ..... My feelings have always been, if you don't like me, stay away from me, if you do, well .... lets laugh and share our outlooks, laugh, cry, whatever....LIVE!! Do you think you might want to know me better? Well .... you never know until you try. I have always enjoyed hearing other's stories of defeat, diversity, overcoming of the seemingly impossible. There are more situations out there, that make ours look so incredibly minute. The whole aspect of sharing trying times, makes us better people for looking outside of ourselves, and perhaps trying to see ourselves in a situation of extreme expression. For as bad as some people think my life has become (and it is in a downward spiral) there are so many others out there that are coping with things I am not sure I could handle. I know the saying, my mother used to say it all the time to me "God only gives us what we can handle." I sometime disagree with that statement. I often times lately, think that there are a few people I know right off the top, that could use a good lesson in the human spirit, raw emotions, face-to-face compassion. It is a very scary place to be, people have to know, feel, have the ability to place themselves in a very vulnerable place. That is not easy to do, especially the emotionally retarded ....LOL.... I believe that if you love someone, you tell them, doesn't matter time or place or situation, it may be your last opportunity to do so. Maybe that makes me a sort of "sap" in the aspect of human spirit.

Lots of rambling going on I guess. No real focus on my thoughts ... just the spirit of human nature. The good hearts, that truly out number the bad, yet it seems that only the bad get the attention, the good goes undetected, unnoticed, unrewarded.

In the spirit of the season, tell those you love that you love them, tell them what they mean to you, the impact on your life that being part of it has meant. In the big scheme of things, I can't imagine it not making you feel so very appreciative, gratified, uplifted, a sense of being renewed, and recharged. (okay ..... someone should plug me in now so I get some of this recharging too!!)

I am trying .... really I am ..... to put life into some sort of perspective these days, and come out once again, on top of the odds. Perhaps this posting means nothing to anyone, but it is a way for me to look at what I have been trying so desperately lately to put into play, to put myself at peace with my choices, and the people that have played such important roles in my life, the people that have been my friends for years, in good and bad, happy, sad, bitchy, moody, etc. and always stood by me for whatever their reasons. I have been so very blessed with these people. To have them in my life goes beyond any words, actions, etc. How do you convey such appreciation and gratitude for the gift of friendship and unconditional love ???? It at times makes me feel very small, so very undeserving, in spite of the fact I don't consider myself to be a bad person, still .... something seems to be missing.

I guess it is just going to be a pondering day ... heheheh .... well .... I have to go finish my laundry, get some cleaning done, play with my puppy, go out and shovel the mine field in the front yard as tomorrow is trash day .... lol ....

To those on the east coast, hope you are all warm and snuggled up with a good book and some hot chocolate, as it looks like you might be snow-bound for a day or so. :) It is pretty to look at, but I don't miss it one bit.

Enjoy your afternoon and peace be with you all !!!
et

Another Country heard from ....

Hi ....

This will be a short posting. It has been an incredibly long, stressful, and physically beating week thus far, and I have a screaming headache. I did the stress test on Monday, black and blue .... worked 9 hours in the office on Tuesday (making up a little bit of time so not to use all my PTO before I get to CA), dentist yesterday afternoon, for which my face is still sore and swollen, and today I was in the office at 6:30 as I had to leave early again to take my father for a CT scan. Now, while awaiting for him to be taken care of, my cell phone rang with my youngest brother on the other end. He had been drinking, as is the norm, and he is telling me how it is .... and that if I can get him here he will pack up my father and take him back to VA to live in his house (he neglected to say it was actually a house he lives in with some woman). I can see this happening now ...... NOT !!! (Not only that, what makes him think I have spare funds?) Hillary and I are barely afloat, struggling like most of America, but we are getting by, but with no extras, like flying him here.

I am being bashed from all directions for wanting to place my father in an assisted living home, where someone can oversee his meds, he will be with people his own age and mentality, and yes, I won't have to worry so much and in return, kill myself. Apparently this makes me an incredible bitch..... and no doubt a few other things I am sure. I am doing what is best .... and recently found, the notebook my mother obviously had been making notes in prior to her passing. It has just reiterated what she did not want done, and that was me killing myself for him, knowing that the boys would wash their hands of it. However, I don't think she ever thought that they would turn on me as they seemed to have done. I had a revelation when I hung up on my younger brother this afternoon at 5:15 Arizona time, and that is...... I really don't need them in my life with all this BS attached. Not if all they are going to do is act like children, blame this one, that one, and me too!! Call me when you all grow up and can see the situation clearly, and not through tinted Bud bottles, and with any luck, I will still be here to take the call. Until that time, I have done my time, and the care taking belongs to me now. PERIOD !!! Oh and one more thing, the man shouldn't be driving, so screw his independence. I don't see one of them stepping up to register or insure his car in their names, (not only that there is an issue with getting my mother off the car, and him on it, and aquiring the title). I will not be held liable for his needed independence at the cost of my home, my car, my job, or someone else's Innocent life due to his reckless driving (he can't get a story straight to save his soul, so I can only imagine what he is spouting off about). He has been witnessed driving through lights to beat the oncoming vehicles, and nearly t-boning them. He thinks no one around here knows who he is or what he drives, but Hillary and I both work in this area, and we have lots of friends, and most of them have met mom and dad, so yes, he is known. Reality is here boys, if you can't look at it head on, then turn away and shut up about it. (Can't play with the big dogs, better stay on the porch !! )

People have called me a dreamer, well nothing screams dreamer than those that view the world thru rose colored glasses and see nothing wrong with the situation here. The view is not that attractive. It is really eye-opening to know that family can be so petty, so childlike, so full of denial, and full of blame, becase of a fear of taking a long hard look at oneself and acknowledging that we all have flaws. I know that grief shows itself differently in everyone, but I see no real reasoning behind what has transpired here between myself and my siblings, or lack of transpiring in the past year. Perhaps it may be called a guilty conscious? I have no guilt. I know what I have done, and I would do it again, for in spite of difficulties at times, we had the relationships that perhaps you missed out on, and others were envious of. I would like my time to grieve, and get on with the future, and the potential of mine.

I stated before and I will state again, I love my brothers for the individuals they are, but no where is it written that I have to like them, or agree with their behaviors or how they cope. Not my problems, not my fix. I have my own, and right now, they want it to be all about them, and guess what, it is time for it to be all about ME. I am not washing my hands of my father, I am trying to make sure that he is in a safe place, with someone to monitor his meds and condition. People of his own generation to talk to and live in the reminiscent time he seems to be stuck in. I guess that makes me a bad person. So be it. I will pay the powers that be when I am called to serve him. Until then .....

Sleep well my friends !!
peace and light
et

Update

Hi Everyone !!

I think it's Tuesday ... LOL .... (Yup, That is right Deb, laughing out loud), can you hear me?

I have not yet uploaded any pics from the crew at the yard sale, I can't seem to find my USB connector for the camera. I am sure it is in this pile of crap I call an office these days.

I am still sore and stiff from dancing in the rain on Saturday. I knew I would pay, but it was so much fun, and I had to be as up as possible given that all those who came out to help, spent a good portion of their day in the elements for me. I cannot begin to say thanks for all they have done, and continue to do on my behalf. Makes me wonder what makes me so worthy of such wonderful people. I have always been so very blessed by the people I have had in my life. ALWAYS !!! My mother said to me once .... "I don't know how you get so many wonderful friends?" ..... LOL ..... now I did laugh, as did she, but she was right that I often had an "attitude." Most people never really understood my "attitude." Hell ... even I didn't understand my attitude at times, and even now, when my BGs are up or down to the extreme, I don't like the person I become. I often times don't remember much of what become of me, but listening to recaps, I can be .... bitchy, moody, nasty on occasion .... (imagine, me nasty ?? lol ) aggressive, argumentative, and yet, those who stand closest, are those that most likely have taken the brunt of my "attitude." My apologies !! I apologize to Hilly on a regular basis this last couple of years. She has rescued my ass on many occasions, and always keeps a great sense of humor about it. Not to mention, it works in her favor for ammo on future paybacks. I know she worries, I know that at times, I have scared the crap out of her. Not intentionally, but she always manages to keep her cool. In many ways, she is a lot like my mother and myself. A grace under fire, calm, take care of business first, fall apart later sort of approach. I am very proud of her and her abilities to "take care of business" and I know that it has taken its toll on her too over the last few years. But, it is what makes us the strong women we are. ROCK ON .... GIRL POWER .... and all that crap !!

I had my dobutamine stress test yesterday. It went better than I remember the last one going. It only took three sticks and two people to get a line in this time. (I have terrible veins and years of scar tissue which has formed where they always seem to need to be. When you add the fact that you can't eat or drink anything for 12 hours prior, that makes it even tougher as I am not hydrated, which of course does wonders when trying to pop into a vessel. In any event, I am showing the usual black and blues, but I do believe that we are on our way !! I should know .... in a week or so. The waiting is really starting to get to me. With all the other things I am trying to stay on top of, like my job, and getting my father situated into some sort of care facility before I get underway, is not making the whole "get into the right frame of mind" any easier to accomplish. Anyway .... the results will be given to me on the 4th of January, but I have requested that they be faxed to the transplant team prior to that, regardless of what they read. I think I did okay, I could see the monitor, and to me, it looked as though the chambers were all beating in accordance to the rules, and the walls were thickening upon increased heart rate. That is what they are looking for. To make sure my heart can withstand the effort of the stress. I have had two cardiac catheterizations done in the last 5 years, primarily when I had my ablations, but there were no signs of cardiac disease. (A real miracle given my family history, and the added risk factor of being diabetic). I believe, that I am the only one of all my siblings that does not suffer from high blood pressure. I feel, and have always believed that it was my outlook, and humor that has helped me keep things in perspective. Even when life seems incredibly painful and cruel, I sink, usually pretty deep, and then I come up laughing. Lately, I am feeling a little depressed, overwhelmed, anxious, not sure I can remember the last time I had all these feelings going at the same time. I usually have some sort of clue as to what might come next, and since my mom passed away, nothing seems to have any direction. It is like a crap shoot, hope for the best, and take it as it comes. I am not sure if I am scratching my watch, or winding my ass these days..... and the gray hair, seems to be shining through even the darkest of colors. I don't even have the energy to color my hair...LOL .... my vanity is not completely shot, I still plump up the wrinkles in spite of the fact Hillary has started calling me "Mother Willow!!"
(Like Pocahontas ... a tree that you can tell how old it is by the rings around it!!) Nice kid hey !! We tease each other out of fun, to keep life light .... and I tell her that they are not wrinkles, they are laugh lines .... and they just prove how much laughing I have done over the years.

Okay .... well .... tomorrow I have my last dental appointment, and then I am transplant ready as far as the prerequisites go. It is all about the waiting now. I just know that when I get that call, I am going to lose it big time. Not in a bad way, but I am going to have to take a few hours to just ball and regroup.....maybe pack a bag. Deb-Deb will be driving the virgin trip with me, and she seems to be very excited to accompany me, even though she knows how bad I can be <<<>>>> ..... an dhow much I love to have control of the door and window locks....LOL.
It is the support, emotionally, that I can never begin to explain or repay the people that have offered to travel with me. Wonder how fast I will be weeding through them ?? I know that to watch someone as a patient can be harder than being the patient. It is not an easy job to watch someone take the pain, to suffer through whatever the problem may be. I know, I have been on both sides of the table. With my mother, I spent days be her bedside on more than one occasion, with her unresponsive, but she knew .... I could tell, just holding her hand, no words having to be spoken, with just a stroke, a slight squeeze, a kiss, that she knew I was there for her, and she often responded with the slightest touch of a squeeze. Towards the end, last 5-7 years, I often cut my mom off from surgery or medical procedures I had to undergo, and underwent them alone, due to the fact I knew how she felt about all the poking they have to do with me and she would get very frustrated, which in turn caused more anxiety on my part, when she would start snapping at the nurses etc. It was just easier for me to undergo it alone. I knew she was with me in spirit, and she always knew that where I was (usually with J&P here in AZ) that they would watch over me and make sure things were okay. It takes a special person to know that power of silence, that just a touch, and a soft stroke can make the world easier to cope with. She was always just a phone call away, or close of my eyes and I knew she was with me. Sounds sort of sappy I know, but my mother and I had a very deep, bonded connection, it is something I cannot begin to explain to people, but I like to think that those who knew us, or witnessed us together, knew of the bond. I need to have her with me .... on this journey ... I know that she would want to be part of this in a big way.

For me, the whole accepting of help and support has been a learning process I am still not real comfortable with. I like to think of myself as always having been more than independent. When I depend on other people (like a husband or a so-called SO) and the expectation of someone caring about and for you comes into play, I have pretty much always been let down. I had one relationship that ended in part because I was unable to accept the caring, always expecting to be let down. That was a difficult lesson, to let go of the expectations. My bad, as he was a wonderful man, I just had too many issues to deal with at the time, but in hind sight, (gotta love that hindsight) I learned about me, my comfort areas, and that life is always a test of letting our guard down. How far are you willing to go ?? Well..... as most of you know, I am still single .... so my guess is that no one has been willing to go that far where I am concerned .... LOL .... and I am sort of picky too since being divorced. I want what I want .... lol .... because I am worth it !!! (I gave it to Loreal :D)

And, so I too, deserve my beauty sleep ... lol .... like 2 weeks wouldn't get rid of the wrinkles I seem to see multiplying on my face these last weeks ..... I might have to invest in a spatula and spackle pretty soon... and I don't wear makeup anymore, just my mascara!!!

Well .... I am off to pillow-land to pay some bills .... Hilly is watching Gone with the Wind .. LOL ..... she is such an old movie buff ... she cracks me up, and Maggie is already sacked out as todays trip to the vet traumatized her into exhaustion (and I will take that any way I can get it these days).

I am trying to get Hilly to be a "Guest blogger" for me in the coming days, to tell you about some of what she has been feeling and dealing with these past months and the whole process of the transplant and effects on her. Hopefully, she will consider this an honor for me and do it soon.

On that note, I wish you all a wonderful and restful evening !!!
Peace
et

Results

Hi Everyone !!

Well .... past week has been hell in all aspects. Family ..... well .... the direct family members will most likely not be playing any sort of role in my transplant process due to their own issues and for some reason geography seems to be a big excuse. In any event, I think I can come to terms with that pretty easily, in spite of the hurt that it leaves. I knew even before my mother died of the "Big I, little you" syndrome. Since her death, it is like they have no father to cope with, and no sister either. So .... really doesn't matter much what happens to either of us, or how it happens and that thier actions will play no role what-so-ever in the outcome of the situation. So be it ..... they have to live with their decisions not me and even though I do not agree with their methods of dealing with their issues, it is not my place, they belong to them, not to me. I have my own, in which I mentioned to my sister-in-law just the other day, not one of my brothers would survive even a week in my shoes, never mind 37 years, and I don't believe they ever could. I wish them the best in their quest for their own solitude, unfortunately, I don't believe they will ever look past where they are at right this moment. Again, not my call.

Okay ..... well, on to bigger happenings ..... we did the yard sale yesterday and was a complete disaster in the fact that it was raining all day except for maybe two hours .... and in that time it was cold. In spite of Mother Nature we did okay. I have a few pics to upload to place on the blog here of me and my crazies die-harding in the weather for the cause. In spite of the weather, we made a little over a thousand dollars!!!! We had to pack up a little before one as it started to pour and we just didn't feel like it was going to pan out. So .... with the 8-10 of us left, some being there a good portion or all day, (Hillary and Meghan were at the clinic at 6 AM). We divided the donations into things we may be able to try again with, and a large donation made to Goodwill yesterday afternoon. I could not believe the donations made on my behalf and in hopes of a real positive cure for the future of the disease. I later contacted the storage facility and asked if perhaps we could extend the generosity until after the holidays .... he said without hesitation, "Yes, don't worry about anything until after the holidays." The manager also made mention that he was totally delighted with having met Hillary, and the determination, passion, caring, and guts she had in her undertaking of the project on her mother's behald. (That made me incredibly proud even though I am so very much aware of Hillary's compassion for others) In the meantime, he is going to contact his district manager in regard to perhaps extending out another month or so, so that we may try once again, in perhaps a little bit better weather to make a dent. So in spite of the fact that I can almost bet, every one's back is feeling the pain of yesterdays effort. I know that every joint in my body hurts today and is exacerbated by the rain of which is still coming down. The crazy dancing on the street with another person on a couple of occasions yesterday to try and drive in business, was something I knew I was going to pay for, but ..... got to do what you got to do ..... right ??

Hillary went off to work this morning a hurting unit. This has been a tremendous undertaking on her part. She has really put out so much energy and effort to the cause, and not without emotional stress. She was in tears on Friday when she went to the clinic to check on the sign up sheet for help. She called me at my office (25 minutes away) to update me and she was teary, just overwhelmed with the outpouring of people donating. It is a sort of indescribable feeling to someone who has never experienced it before. I myself, cannot come up with the right words to thank all these people, or to let them know what their generosity means to me, and my daughter. They are giving me the opportunity to extend my life, not knowing how long, or if this will even work for me. I don't feel like my volunteering to undergo this transplant as any sort of heroic undertaking, I do, however, hope that by me donating me, that I can help me gain extra life, but that even more, the researchers can learn how to make it all work, and make it work for the future generation without so many trade offs. I would love to go technical on you, but not sure how many people would actually relate to some of the medical jargon. (I am considered a sort of medical geek, being accused of knowing things that people just shouldn't know ..... LOL).

Onto the last piece of info for today as I am really stiff, and I am in process of laundry, and trying to get some cleaning up done around here, and that is my dobutamine stress test will be performed tomorrow afternoon. I am not looking forward to this in any way, shape, or form. This is NOT running on a tread mill, this is a chemically induced heart rate increase with photos (an echo) of blood flow, reaction to the chemical, stress on the heart muscle. It is in my opinion not a pleasant undertaking, it can be downright scary, and I have had enough crap done to my body to know. Anyway ... I have to go to work, as for as understanding and supportive as my employer has been, I still have a job to do, and missing all this time, not only for me, but for my father as well, it becoming a strain. I am just not physically capable anymore of taking care of everyone, (back to the sibling issue) and therefore, I need to take care of me first. I don't see that as selfish seeing as I am not sitting in my garage getting sauced on a daily basis blaming everyone else for how things go down. ..... LOL ...... mmmmmm ..... seems like one of those devaju' sort of happenings don't it .... LOL ... sorry .... this topic is really becoming almost amusing in the fact that it amazes me of those people who blame others for their own situations and happenings ..... I am unhappy and hurt in the aspect that my siblings have proven to be very unsupportive (it isn't like they don't know what is going on), but, that is MY issue, and I will overcome it as I cannot allow it to take over my life and become detrimental to the outcome of the transplant .... that sort of makes them big winners don't it .... LOL .... ?

Okay .,..... well, washer just stopped and my pump needs to be changed out, my tank is empty. It has been an incredibly stressful, and very emotional week for me, and it has shown in my blood sugars. I was so tired, and hurt so bad when we got home yesterday afternoon, all I wanted to do was lay down, I was also really hungry as I hadn't really had much to eat yesterday, needless to say, I hurt so bad, eating would have made me sick ..... almost everything effects the whole blood sugar thing .... so ..... I have no choice but to ride the wave. In which, I would like to end today's blog with a parting statement to me from one of Hillary's coworkers, and a sort of adoptive mom. Loleita is from Jamaica .... a beautiful soul, (her and her husband donated the washer and dryer) she gave me a huge hug yesterday upon departing the sale and said to me "As long as God is in the vessel darlin', you can smile at the storm." I just loved it .... and in her very charming accent, (Hilly and I are both sort of hung up on accents, some more than others) was the perfect comment to end the day!!!!

On that note, I wish you all a very happy, relaxing day.
Peace
et

Getting Drained

Good evening all !!

Well ... the last 24 hours seem to be a sort of hell.
We had a pretty bad storm here the night before last, wicked wind, rain, snow, and ice (mostly due to the cold temps). In any event, yesterday morning started out as pretty normal and quickly went downhill.

Hilly left for work a little before six, with plenty of time allowed for her to get to work in spite of any obstacles or so we thought. At 6:10 my cell phone rang and it was Hilly telling me she had been in an accident, could I call a tow truck. Well .... I stayed calm, asked her if she was alright, all those parental things we do .... and then I asked about her truck .... which she has only had for about a month!! She is fine, truck is fine, not even any real scratches from what we can tell. She apparently just hydroplaned on the icy road and spun around and landed back in the direction in which she had just come from, and six feet off the road in the ditch. Cops were on the scene pretty quick as there was one right behind her when she spun out. Ninety minutes later a tow truck showed up to pull her out. We happen to know the man who operates the service and he sat with Hilly until the truck that could pull her out did with some words of wisdom for Ms. Hilly ----- When your ass passes you, you know you're in trouble .... LMAO .... This at least lightened her up a little bit. She was at least not trying to sail through as some with no regard to the conditions, or that you can't do 65 when the road is a sheet of ice. Some people out here can be a tad on the stupid, lacking of common sense side. No one seems to know who to drive in the stuff..... they take all the fun and enjoyment out of driving in it for me.

Anyway .... that just got the day off to a VERY tense start. When she was pulled out of the ditch she was still a little shaky and didn't want to drive to work, so I picked her up on my way out of town and dropped her at the hospital. It took us over 30 minutes for what normal takes us 15-20 minutes tops. I never got out of low gear, never broke 30 and got there just fine. Most of the morons that seemed to be in a big hurry, landed off the road, stranded in the ditch. Some would call that Karma .... hehehehe ..... :D

I stopped on my way home from work to drop off insurance information, I have been so tired, just wiped out, so I didn't think much of it at the time, but my blood sugar was on its way down. I was fine when I checked it before driving from the office, this stop was right on the way home. Needless to say, I don't remember much for the next 3 to 4 hours, and this morning had to ask Hilly where she found me when she got home, what was I wearing, etc. These episodes are becoming extremely hard on my body and wearing me down considerably due to the fact they mess with just about the whole body functioning, I couldn't see straight, was dizzy, it just isn't very pleasant. In checking my meter and pump memory, it all happened within a ten to 30 minute time frame. I was 138 when I left work, drive for 20 minutes, stop chat and take care of the insurance stuff ..... left to go the 2 miles to the house, land in kitchen at 28 .... I have no clue how I manage to walk at this particular point as it is like being overcome and someone else is driving. Okay .... well .... I made it through another night ..... and today almost everyone who had to encounter me at work basically said I looked like shit. Only one or two actually used that phrase, but we all know where they were going.

A long day today too, I am just totally worn out, emotionally, physically, and feeling almost empty. Tomorrow is my cardiologist appointment, I hope that we can get this test done in the next week or so because I can't lose my hope. I am getting tired, trying to keep every ones issues in order and not doing such a great job the last few weeks. In spite of how my brothers may feel about me right now, I know right from wrong, and I am the one who must live in with my conscious, so .... may their own "Earlisms" not take over the best of them as I see many of them recently in all of their behaviors and attitudes. My selfishness these days, in wanting and needing to address my own mortality, does not make me a bad person. I have spent many years tending to my parents needs. Geography has nothing to do with this equation, and I don't recall it being written anywhere that it is a "daughter's job!!!" So .... call me what you will .... I know my heart and mind are clear of the rights and wrongs that go along with life. Or at least that ones I was raised by and with.

I got to go .... paperwork to fill out for tomorrow and the dog is chucking a nutty.

Good night all !!
et

Round two today ....

Hello again,

In response to my long-time friend Deb, (from old stomping ground of MA) .... there is in no way a need for an apology of any sort for things that may have transposed in our past. We DID have some really good times, and yes, I was considerably more moody back then, than I can be now. I see part of that as having no tools to use at the time other than the dipsticks ... LOL .... and to be honest, having no real use for them. I was busy trying things I most likely shouldn't have. But ... also, I will never regret my choices at the times. I am trying to be as honest as I can without hanging myself or others .... LOL ... but that too, will come out in time as certainly it was a medical advice on my trip to Amsterdam in 1999. I still have beautiful blue eyes with what they say are very few signs of diabetic retinopathy.

In any event, no regrets, no apologies, no ignorance on your part, as I was not as big a share person back then as perhaps I should have been, but it went back further than our days in high school. We did good, we turned out to be awesome individuals, and we created some of the next generation good ones!!! Rock on !! (to use your words :D)

Another reason I came back on today, was something I read in the online version of the local newspaper here to day that really hit my heart hard. It happened a couple of days prior to Thanksgiving, and in reading, did not realize that I had met this young boy back in 2001 with his parents and a few other locals living with Type I. I won't use their names as I am unaware of if they would want to be recognized at this point and what must be at this time, a deep, inconsolable pain on the loss of their son in his sleep to a diabetic seizure at the age of 17. A senior at Prescott High School and about to embark on what would have been a wonderful life's journey to college. Cut short ..... the sinking feeling I got from reading this young man's obituary was something I don't think I can explain. Why not me ??? I am older, complications already setting in ... I don't understand, only to say this, that I hope and pray that this young man's life was not lost in vain. My undertaking with the transplant is to prevent such happenings in our next generation of youth that will be afflicted. It is sad, and shouldn't happen to ANY family in the age we live in. We need to get rid of the politics involved in our medicine and rid the pharmaceuticals of making major profit at the cost of our young people. I firmly believe that we could have a cure closer than we are lead to believe if we removed the politics involved. (this rant is not doubt left for another blog post).

I just had to comment on the loss of this young man's life, it touched me deeply having had encountered him years ago as a young boy, and while volunteering with the local ADA here in the Prescott area, and at the time trying (if I recall correctly) some sort of support group in the area. I am not the largest fan of the ADA, as it is only my opinion, but they cater to the type II's of the nation. We NEED to focus on the Type I's, the young people that hold our future. Let's not lose any more young, talented, bright children to this senseless disease. We need to find that cure !!!! Please keep this family in your prayers as well, I am sure that especially at this time of year, their hearts are empty and in pain.

Okay .... well .... did the dog park, nose is still frozen ... did my dad's for an hour .,.... headache is still pounding. I have laundry to finish up and some work to do here at home.

Peace and Love
et

Good Morning !!

It's early here in AZ .... and cold !! Hilly just left for work, so it will be a long 12 hours of day and duties for both of us. It makes me happy when she leaves for work so enthusiastically. She loves her job and is getting so totally pumped for the nursing program to start. She came in with new scissors and her pen light yesterday. She has a lot of items she has to purchase for the program, including new scrubs, (students have to wear a certain color) so she can't wear scrubs with Tinkerbell on them to school !! ..... LOL .... she loves working with the kids/babies lately. She had to become certified at the hospital in order to care for the little ones. So now she has two areas she would like to focus on in her career, trauma or kids .... seems like two totally different ends of the spectrum to me ... but she is determined to go far with her degree and to continue her education through the ranks. I know most kids would just go to school and acquire their degrees, but in our case (poor, single, white women) we have no choice but to work and go to school. So for this .... I so totally admire Hillary's drive and determination. She knows what she wants, and she knows it will take hard work to get it. Don't get me wrong, she is not always happy about the amount of work that goes into her career choice and schooling. Stating that maybe she should "get knocked up" so she too can have free child care, tuition paid, etc. This sort of disgruntles her, and with good cause. It seems that those that try to follow the rules of the law, have decent morals and ethics, somehow pay a much higher price for certain things in life. Still so, I have raised Hillary to see the difference in these sorts of people. Those that have things handed to them their whole lives, don't seem to have the true appreciation of their work, and what other suffer with to get by.

In my case, I remember being a "dumby" so to speak for a couple of Hillary's science projects during her high school years. She used me and my pump to explain my disease. I also remember her coming home and making comment on how many kids went up to her saying "sorry." Hillary's response to these kids was this: "Don't feel sorry for me, or my mom." "It is not what defines her, it's just part of who she is and what she deals with on a daily basis." "It's so not WHO she is, my mom is funny and smart, so don't feel sorry for her." I was pretty amazed by those comments coming from a sophomore in high school. As I have always said to Hillary, there are and have been times over the years that it seemed pretty bleak for me, (when I first went on my pump) doctors were telling me to "put my affairs in order" (1998) ..... affairs ... LOL .... now there is a subject .... LOL .... anyway .... my point is someone else has it worse than I do. I believe that, so I really have no room to whine and carry on. I do, however, want people to know how devastating living with this disease can be, and how it effects every aspect of ones life, and that no matter how well things may be controlled, no one is perfect, and that with the ability to effect every major organ system, there must be an underlying awareness ... of what COULD happen.

I have been sort of nonchalant shall we say, in this outlook. Yes, I am very much aware of what could happen, but I refuse to focus on that aspect. I have had doctors over the years, recently Dr. Phillips, who shake their heads at me. I stated to her just last week, I know this irritates, maybe just baffles her, I don't know, but I believe that my attitude has really blessed me with still being here and whatever happens is meant to be. I am not being any less diligent in my care, I am not being noncompliant in my medication regimen or fine tuning of my bolus and basal rates. I tweek them as needed under a algorithm I have been using for years with adjustments made as patterns erupt. I have no real control over the powers that be and how this is taking its toll on my body over the years. I just plow ahead as I always have, lately it seems with less focus due to so many things that still DEMAND my attention in what other's might refer to as the real world. My real world, includes all of these aspects, which can be exhausting at times, thus creating a sense of depression. ( going way back to some earlier posts). ANY ONE person who deals with chronic anything, is bound to suffer from depression at one time or another. It helps to have people around who understand you. I have been so incredibly lucky to have friends that truly "get me" .... and some have stated they could never do my life. I am not out to amaze anybody, I am so deeply touched by those who feel I am some sort of "amazing woman," but I am really just an ordinary gal .... trying to get by .... and doing the best I can (most days) with the hand in which I have been dealt. I too, will lose this hand at some point. I have, in my opinion, won many battles, but it is the overall war, that I want to be remembered for making a difference, trying to really improve the next generation of kids afflicted with this disease. It sucks, it pretty much takes away a real childhood as many know it, and require those of us afflicted to become adults, responsible, and any other big people word you would like to attach to it, much faster than our counter parts in the big scheme of things. It makes us unique individuals .... and for that I am proud to be part of the club. I have spent a lot of time alone, in my thoughts, wondering, daydreaming, ....... what my life would have been like without it .... I can honestly say .... there were things I did, that I would not do again, and I would not struggle as I have over the years. I guess in hind sight, if I had been given a choice other than "This kid will never see 21" I may have made different decisions, but that sort of always hung in the back of my mind. I am not blaming anyone, I just often wonder what my life would have been like in different circumstances instead of still wondering what I want to be when I grow up at age 46 !!! :D

Now, as I face all these fast coming changes, I wonder, do I have the stamina at this phase to survive one last push? Without my mother (who I do feel with me during this process on some level), who was always interested in how I coped, and what was going on in the world of research and change, on top of all the responsibilities I have, my house, my job, my car payments, my dog, and the most demanding of all these days, my father. I am unsure of how much of all of this I can keep a focus on ..... if I lose my job, I lose my house, my car, and then my father loses me, (not that I feel this would be of any great loss to him other than someone to take care of his business, which I think he should have learned to do many, many years ago), and then what ???? My daughter loses her mom, her friend, her guidance that has always been unconditional and never held against her for whatever reason. Who will she turn to? How will she cope? I know that I have given her the tools to do this, but as any of us who have suffered any sort of loss knows, the younger we are, the harder it is to deal with, the older we get is suppose to make it easier I guess, I don't believe that, each one hurts deeply, and often times, it is others response that adds to the loss. I know that for me, the "I don't give a shit what you think" attitude has done wonders for me (not intentionally wanting to hurt others) but this is how I feel, and this is how I am going to cope not only with my losses, but with your attitude towards my losses. (Not sure if that made any sense or not??)

Okay .... well ..... as I am sure many can see, my mind is flying in many different directions lately. We are at one week count down to the yard sale, I see the cardiologist on Thursday morning for status of that dobutamine stress test (yuk) .... and then .... well ..... it's any ones guess as to what will transpire next. The uncertainty is always what gets to me .... I have no control ..... guess that could be considered an issue ... LMAO .....

Okay ... that is enough rambling for this morning .... heheheh ..... it is cold, I am stiff and painful, with lots of household chores to accomplish before the start of a new work week. Maggie has to go to the Vet in the morning for that ear and .... well ... a ton of yard sale details to get done this week, and most likely in the dark.

Posts may be limited this week, but never fear .... the yard sale update will be posted !!!!
Thanks to all who have stepped up to help out with this event, Thanks to the few who post comments here on the blog, they really keep me on track, knowing that someone out there is really reading, listening, being touched in some way by what is being posted. Thanks and PLEASE keep it up as I greatly appreciate the feedback!!!

Love and light to all !!
et

Facts on the Difference

Diabetes is a chronic, debilitating disease affecting every organ system. There are two major types of diabetes: type 1 (juvenile onset) and type 2.

Type 1 diabetes is an autoimmune disease in which a person's pancreas stops producing insulin, a hormone that enables people to get energy from food. Type 1 diabetes usually strikes in childhood, adolescence, or young adulthood, but lasts a lifetime. People with type 1 diabetes must take multiple injections of insulin daily or continually infuse insulin through a pump just to survive.

Type 2 diabetes is a metabolic disorder in which a person's body still produces insulin but is unable to use it effectively. Type 2 is usually diagnosed in adulthood and does not always require insulin injections. However, increased obesity has led to a recent rise in cases of type 2 diabetes in young adults.

Symptoms to both types can be very similar.

Excessive thirst

Frequent urination

Rapid weight loss

Fatigue and weakness

Irritability, confusion

If you feel like these could be symptoms of more than what you think they may be, PLEASE seek medical attention ASAP. The longer you let symptoms go without medical attention the more likely damage is being done in the case of type 2 it can be irreversible, in type I, (like in my case) another day and I would have been dead. My parents were told I had a virus, with symptoms lasting almost a month, and got increasingly worse with each passing day. The weakness took over, I could hardly hold myself up to get to the bathroom, in which it became increasingly clear that something wasn't right. I just had no control, and no energy to care, and one thing I do remember, it hurt!! If your children exhibit any of these symptoms, please seek medical attention sooner rather than later.

Thanks .... and hope this helps some understand how critical this can be.

Talk later

et

Final Push

Hello everyone !!

I can't tell you how glad I am it's Friday. Not that it makes a huge difference as lately, I get not two minutes, never mind two hours, and I would LOVE two days to myself. I really am begining to wonder how much longer I can exhist in this manner.

Hillary, friends, and co-workers are doing the final push to make the yard sale pull together. I have no idea what to expect out of this and am to be quite honest, a little overwhelmed by it all. I think all that extra is adding to the stresses being felt, and the anxiety or unease of wondering when and how this is all going to play out. As noted in the earlier post of this week, the discussion had with my endocrinologist as to the "mights." My life is so chotic the last year, two, maybe 5 .... hell, my whole life has been chotic, I think the older I get, the less I want to cope with it. I really don't think it is remotely normal to have this much BS in one's life.

Okay .... well .... Hillary and her friend, MT, went to the shed today to try and organize all the donations which have been made thus far. Clothes, electronics, books, movies, stereos, TVs, the washer and dryer, the spinning wheel, holiday items, material, craft items.... all donated by mostly coworkers of mine and Hillary's, and some by total strangers. Flyers were placed up around the area, posters are in process of being colored. :D Our newspaper article has stirred discussion, and couple of weird phone calls. Like the one I had the other night telling me that if I buy a certain book, that I would not need to have any transplant or intervention, that I would indeed be cured. This is a frustration I have dealt with my whole life. People who live with Type II, a large majority of the millions of people living with diabetes, associate them as one and the same. THEY ARE NOT .... in any way the same. Type I is in fact and autoimmune disease, and only makes up 5-10% of those that suffer from diabetes; Type II is a metobolic issue, insulin is produced, the body just does not metabolize properly anymore for various reasons. My pancreas does not produce insulin, period. No cure, only management with insulin therapy. NO INSULIN - NO LIFE !!! Pretty much sums it up in a nutshell.

So ... again, with the hopes of education for those who are unaware of the difference, and only adding to my exacerbation of chaos......LOL ..... anyway, I was told I should work on this.

I am going to hit the pillows now as my Maggie doesn't care if it is the start of the weekend she will still be up between 4:30 and 5:00 AM. I have some work to do .... both from the office and my private, at-home work that HAS to be completed by tomorrow. We will be at the shed tomorrow doing some pricing, and of course, I have to throw away a good portion of my day hauling my father to the store, which is such a totally emotional drain for me these days .... I can't even begin to describe the suction factor of this man on both myself and Hillary (who had him for several hours today). He is very selfish and self-absorbed, always has been, it just seems so much more exaserbated lately. He has no real compassion for what is happening to me these days, or anyone else for that matter, he is worse, or so that is what he keeps telling me, and yet all I can see is that he wants me to take care of him. I need to take care of me right now, as I can truely feel things fading out and I really don't want that right now. I need to fight, and it is becoming more and more difficult to keep that energy level up. So on that note, that very depressing note as I look back at it .... LOL ... I bid you all a pleasant and enjoyable evening and weekend !!!

Peace and Light
et

Hump Day

Good evening,

What a day it was today. I am thinking the moon has something to do with this as I heard many huffing and puffing throughout the day....LOL. I have a ton of work to get through having been out of the office yesterday to travel to Phoenix for an appointment with my endocrine gal.

It was a productive appointment for the most part. We had a discussion about the risks and benefits of the trial on my health. Much of what we discussed I was already very much aware of, but with working with Dr. Phillips, and needing to develop that open line of communication with the followups in the event I have some sort of emergency and need a doctor closer to home. (like the two hour ride to Phoenix is that much closer sometime). In any event, she did agree that something needs to be done at this point in my life....... or it is going to get cut short at any given moment given the unpredictability of the critical blood sugars. I have been so incredibly lucky thus far, that I am able to awaken during the night feeling weird .... and that somehow I manage to get to the kitchen and as Hillary describes it "eat everything I can get into my mouth" to try and elevate the situation, many times never remembering much if any of the event. The rebounding is just as bad. Like this morning .... I apparently crashed at some point during the night .... no clue when ..... and when I awoke this morning at 4:45 am my blood sugar was 445 !!!! Way to high, for me, the higher they go, the more miserable I am. I had excruciating abdominal pain, nausea, my body felt hot, I was just so out of it and cranky I just wanted to go back to bed for the two hour time frame that is involved in taking an injection (anything that high I inject for rather than depending on the pump) .... a protocol for high BGs on pump therapy. Again, no recollection of the event, so I have no idea what I may have eaten or drank that could explain the high BG on awakening. So .... I plowed through the morning ... the faster I tried to move to get ready for work, the further behind and later I seemed to be. I am just totally exhausted in coping with everything going on these days ...... from day-to-day work, house work, my father, who is becoming increasingly more whiny, sniveling, and demanding on my time. I realize there are still things to take care of involving my mother's passing, but he pissed and moaned for a year now, and all of a sudden, now knowing he can't stay where he is and as always, living in freaking denial, I just can't cope with it all and it is apparently showing in all who know me. Another fact I wasn't thrilled to hear recently, thinking I am coping in my usual, plow forward attitude. But, I am told that my eyes have lost their sparkle, and I am just not the same. Not much more elaboration was put into that confrontation by some of my coworkers last week.

Okay ... back to yesterday's appointment. I had a couple of questions for Dr. Phillips which she openly answered for me, I think we both know what is going to happen to me .... LOL ... it is going to happen to all of us at one time or another, but I really am not ready to go to the other side just yet. When I was told (or heard doctors tell my parents back in 1972) that I would never see my 21st birthday, well.... I made some decisions that were probably considered to be foolish. I married to get out of the house, the way my brothers joined the service. I thought I was in love, but in the end, I didn't even really like him, never mind love him. Yet I stayed and put up with relentless bullshit, abuse, both verbally and physically, and constant degrading. which I brought to an end when Hillary was small and witnessed one of the smack down sessions. The adultery went on pretty much the whole time I was married. Only stating that this was a tremendous wear on my body and soul over the 15 years we were together. Having been raised Catholic, I fought with that whole believe system for a long, depressing time, before I made the decision to get out. Something that is hard to explain to someone who has not lived with this sort of conflict, abuse, addiction, whatever you want to call it. It has many names in my opinion, and in my case, often times, stupidity. Never again, will I allow someone to bring me down the way this man did at the time. I overcame, I survived, and I went on but not without a lot of wear and tear on my body, and psyche too.

In our discussion yesterday, it was made clear that I was NOT to travel alone to San Francisco under any circumstances. Which sort of pissed me off, in spite of the fact that several people have offered to travel with me when Hillary can't, but that I can't do it by myself. Which often times is how I have opted to deal with my health issues. I don't want to say I am difficult, I really don't think I am as a patient, my body takes care of that on its own. But, to have someone, perhaps that can't take the smells of a hospital, or seeing someone in pain, or not feeling so great, or in my case, looking like shit!! .... LMAO .... I don't like to be a burden on people. Then there is the fact, that most of those of have volunteered to travel with me, have never traveled with me before .... LOL .... which is a trip all in of its own. I am a small girl in mind, and so very easily amused ..... which can make for some, too much laughter, too much sick sense of humor, and then there is the time where I can retreat into myself and become very quiet in my thoughts, not wanting or needing to talk. I can't help but feel that there may be a lot of that to come given what may or may not happen. Dr. Phillips explained to me that she has about 8 patients that have gone through this sort of procedure. Two didn't take at all. I am aware of this fact. She stated that even if it doesn't work for me, she didn't see it making me "any worse" than I am right now. But ..... (always have them in the mix) .... there is the risk my liver may not take to the transplant. She explained that a couple of patients just couldn't handle the effects on the liver. Others had no problems. On a good note, those that were successful, had a good 5-8 years out of it, and two or three she said only needed to use insulin on a very small scale and required no boluses for coverage. So .... given the fact that I am not ready to throw in the towel yet, I am still ready to face whatever lie ahead, hopefully with a little grace, and a rewarding outcome. She stated that I could be looking at "another ten good years!" Not remembering what life could be like prior to injections, testing, pump therapy, constant pricks .... hehehe ..... I guess it will all be new to me in the event it is successful. A thought I refuse to let go of in spite of how wiped out I am currently. I am and have been feeling sort of blue lately. A combination of a few things I am sure. I miss my mother awful ..... everyday..... would just love to hold a good, decent conversation about all that is going on in my life, and am I crazy, to plow forward, to want more, to want the chance to do some of the things I always dreamed of doing, but was held up in caring for someone else, lack of love, money, companionship. I know my mother wanted to see me have that before she died, but I tried very hard to show her that I had, and continue to do so, survive on my own. I know Hillary will be flying the coup soon, I don't expect her to be with me forever, hell, I can't believe she is still with me now. She is so driven, so determined, she knows what she wants, she knows it takes hard work and dedication to achieve these things and I just know that I had something to do with that and it makes my heart full. I know she worries about me, but she has also been such a tremendous support, always telling me I am not too old, I still look "cute" on certain days ... which I find all too amusing. Its just a really good feeling.

I tried to assure Dr. Phillips, she almost always looks at me at a certain point in our appointments and shakes her head. I told her yesterday, I have to pick what needs my attention most at any given moment, I can't sweat because a number is out of range, I have the knowledge and know-how to correct it, maybe not without damage, but I can get a quick handle on it, and it is of my utmost concern that I don't hurt anyone, or myself either for that matter, and get to the next phase. I also told her that this thought process in conjunction with my wonderful sense of humor is what I believe has carried me as long as I have managed to live on this earth, and hopefully, it will carry me just a little bit further. I have a few things I still want to do on this earth .... an island trip, a trip to Ireland, a return trip to Europe, and sex !!!! LMAO .... yep .... it was on a recent wish list I got via email, when most were wishing to win the lottery, I was wishing for sex .... LOL .... whatever .... I think I remember how its done I just need to hold out hope for that person who can actually connect with me, understand me, not be offended by me, take my independence as a strength and not a character flaw, and just share life with me. It really isn't that hard, it is sort of a comfort thing. But, something .... I still hold out hope for.

Ok ... well .... I have a load of wash to fold and Maggie needs some affection (she has an ear infection).

I wish everyone a wonderful relaxing evening !! (do some for me :D
Peace and thanks for tuning in !!

et

Good Morning ....

Well .... couple of things today.

First, to address the comment left by Rob in regard to narcotics. Thanks for posting Rob, (I don't know Rob, but am thrilled someone outside my circle finds this reading of interest). I too, was prescribed the vicodin for pain management of my fibromyalgia, and I do believe that narcotic medication should be monitored closely due to the addictive effects. However, when a medication doesn't work, to treat the pain and the withdrawal effects are not explained by the doctor, that is where issues can occur. I stopped taking the vicodin as prescribed due to my cardiac issues at the time, figuring one less thing in my system. The resulting headaches which were explained to me by my neurologist as "rebound headaches" were never explained by the prescribing physician. I will also note that I have come upon much of my education through constant reading, research, conversations with physicians, and personal experience. That being said, it has been found that narcotic pain relievers do not work in the treatment of fibromyalgia given the neural effects of the brain and body response. I currently take a large dose of Cymbalta (over a year now) and I must admit, that in all the years of being tried on medications from Neurontin, to anti-inflammatory drugs, tricyclic antidepressants, to heavy doses of muscle relaxants (A psychopharmocologist back east told me that he couldn't believe I could even stand up given the high doses of Flexeril I was taking daily) and narcotics, that this drug, an antidepressant, has produced the MOST EFFECTIVE relief of my pain symptoms. (It is also used to treat neuropathic diabetic pain, fibro being seen as an over-activation of nerves response to pain). That is pretty much all I can say about that, it has worked wonders. It relieves most of my pain, not all of it, but more than anything else has in 15 years, and the best part is my improved quality of sleep. That and my sleep number bed .... LOL .... best two investments I ever made!!! That is my take on the fibro comment.... Thanks for posting .... and best of luck with your management. We all have to be proactive in our care.

Next, will be doing some work from home today as I am heading to Phoenix for an endocrine appointment. Hopefully, no more depressing news will transpire in that area, at least nothing that I am not already aware of and working hard to alleviate. (with the transplant process). Two hours down, two hours back ..... I really don't mind driving .... but sometimes find it to be a lonely drive, and long given that my appointments don't usually last more than 30 minutes.

And lastly, for today anyway. ..... I was able to contact my cardiologist yesterday, they are getting me in next Thursday morning to address the stress test issue needed for the transplant finalizing. I so don't want to repeat this test, it is one of the most unpleasant encounters I have ever had ... it results in a very high level of anxiety and panic for me ..... I can get past the needles .... but that feeling of my heart pounding out of my chest and my head exploding .... and the impending "yackage" that comes when I just can't take the feeling anymore .... I guess as long as I don't have a coronary, I pass .... LOL ..... I think that sometimes, the anxiety levels that come with some of my encounters are more difficult to deal with (emotionally) than the actual physical pain and discomfort (of which I have had so much of in my life I think we actually become immune to a point). There are certain things that I just know are going to occur, ( like the lack of decent vessels to start a line in or get blood out of) that could delay any set time frame several hours ..... has happened on many occasions. Medical staff baffle at my apologies .... yet I have no control over what, and how, my body responds to this sort of stuff in spite of all the breathing techniques I have tried to come up with over the years. LMAO .... I think the best one I ever heard was in Tucson by a male surgical nurse, 2 hours into trying to start a line and having to call an anesthesiologist in to begin a line in my femoral vein, (groin) ..... he was amazed at how I could squeeze the shit out of some one's hand on the left side while totally relaxed on the right and still not being able to locate and isolate a vein for a line, I believe I suggested getting there from up my ass ...LOL ..... so much for the breathing technique, but my warped humor helped to alleviate some of the staff anxiety in which they were feeling pretty bad about not being able to accomplish their given tasks. It is in no way staffs fault that my body does not like to cooperate, but I so appreciate staff that takes my suggestions as to how to make the process easier and not offend their egos. I too, am an educated patient, minus the needle to aim or scalpal to cut. Anyway ... with any luck, the dobutamine stress test will get done before the end of December .... not exactly my idea of a wonderful Christmas gift, but I will take it. :P

On that note, I wish everyone a wonderful Tuesday !!!
Be safe !!
et