Yes, I believe in God

Hello Everyone ...

I'm sorry in delay of any recent post.

I have not been feeling well these last 2-3 weeks and been blaming all of these irritating happenings on the effects of prednisone. So allow me to recap ... for the past couple of weeks I have had this unattractive swelling going on all over my body. Along with this swelling came an all over ache, skin itching beyond belief, and a couple of other maladies as some would refer, to which I am just totally down about. All this came to a flying height on Saturday. I had a "to-do" list that was a mile long, working in the yard, spraying weeds, raking dog piles, etc., in a nutshell ... NONE of this occurred!! Instead, I was in pain that even I couldn't handle, every joint I own was inflamed and stiff to the point of non-mobility, I lost my lunch, returned to bed, tried to get up a few hours later to no avail.... I took myself to the ER. Upon arrival I thought, great, I might get in quick, no such luck. I was taken in immediately for triage and then proceeded to spend the next two hours going from one chair to another trying to find comfort only to land in a make-shift couch curled up, yet again, in the fetal position. It was 6:35 pm when I was finally escorted back into a room. By this time, my attempt to fight off tears was fairly obvious as I had been "dripping" into my sweatshirt while curled up.

The doctor came in and assessed what had been going on, prednisone, my stemmies, the pneumonia, etc. ... a line was started but no fluid was given, lots of blood was drawn .... then I was hit with a big ass dose of morphine and Toradol together. I started to feel groggy, and eventually began to feel my body relax. A little while later (time meant nothing to me now) the nurse came in and informed me I had a fever and administered some Tylenol. At this point, Hillary had come down off her shift on the 1st floor to see what was happening and let me know that she got the ok to leave early and be with me. I told her she could return as I was groggy and we were waiting on tests to be done. She eventually came back to be with me after my nurse told Hillary that the doctor had checked "every box on the lab sheet" (sort of giving way that he had no clue). After a chest X-ray, EKG, and an ultrasound of my right leg, (this seeming to be where they began to put focus due to the pain taking precedent on the right side) no blood clots were located. That, apparently seemed to the the number one thing they wanted to rule out due to the swelling, and excruciating pain I was feeling in places like EVERY joint, especially behind my knees, my hips, shoulders, neck, and lower back. My tongue was also swollen as it had been for a little over a week. Co-workers had noticed my words seemed slightly slurred, Hillary noticing that not only my speech being jumbled, but that I was again dropping things .... like I did prior to my stem cell treatment.

All of this I find a little depressing given as to how well I felt for the 3 weeks post-stemmies. Then the pneumonia stay, the allergy induced asthma and all the prednisone. Now .... what I get this morning. I had a 10:30 am with my PCP, a bump up from Thursdays'  appointment. After what seemed like a long recap of my ER visit, and last weeks appointment, review of the blood pressures, etc, she examined my key point areas of pain. A mass, which has been an area of complaint for me for the last couple of years, being told by the last PCP (the one mentioned a couple of times in previous posts) which was surgically opened to repair a so-called hernia, is now a massive area of concern. I was told by previous PCP this was a hernia, with little to no examination and sent to a surgeon, who did go in and repair a VERY small hernia in which he stated to me did not require surgical intervention and that he "didn't believe that was the problem." That was it, no suggestions, no follow up. ..... my life goes on. After she poked, probed, prodded, and made some not so encouraging facial expressions, I was asked if she could do labs?? Geezzz ... didn't we get what we needed on Saturday? She drew to check for Valley Fever, something that seems to be prominent out here in the desert. It is a fungus that blows around in the dirt out here and apparently can cause some pretty nasty residuals. You never really get rid of it, you will always be a carrier. It is not contagious, it is just blown around in the dirt. OH FLIPPIN' JOY!!! Along with that, as people who carry Vally Fever, should not be on prednisone .... (this became a red flag for me), but ... that nasty lymph node which presented a couple of years ago and the lame diagnosis by the PCP who had not once done a full exam, is back to haunt me. Along with a few of the other symptoms in which I presented, I am now being ordered to under go a CT and needle biopsy of the lymph nodes.

I'm scared, unsure, and very tired.  I believe in God, a higher power, bigger than I, one who has kept the ultimate eye on me for many years, and yet, here we go again. What happened to that golden phrase my mother always told me when I felt things were getting to much .... "God only gives us as much as he knows we can handle." Guess what .... I have been handling one thing after another for what seems like ... a lifetime. When will it stop, a small reprieve, a short time to enjoy life on my own terms??? Perhaps some healthy outings, some casual travel, a little time on the beach again, maybe even fall in love??? Some big dreams perhaps, but some of these "dreams" have kept me going for a long time, dreaming isn't quite doing it anymore without the physical ability to pull it off.

I am awaiting the call as to when this will happen, my guess is it will not be today as they need to get an insurance auth, but possibly tomorrow. Hillary has left town for a couple of days and .... well ... I will need to pull up my big girl panties and go it alone. Some things, I get very anxious about, I think this is going to be one of them, and my "happy place" seems to be further and further in the distance, hard to imagine, what will I do if this comes back more than I am capable of handling at this particular point in my life??? I have many questions ... and more of them seem to be about my own abilities to carry on with dignity, humor and grace ...

Got to go feed my baby-dog ... she is right here at my feet, and has been pretty much on top of me for the last few days ... think she knows something I don't ??

Peace and Light to All!!!
et