Call it what you want

Above - My Maggie ... looking like I feel ..... "just leave me be"


Good Evening people ....

I am not well, and although I try hard not to dwell on the things that make my life a little more difficult than some, I am tired, and not feeling right these days. I don't know if it is due to the holiday season, which I would like nothing more than to participate in .... for the real reason of the season, I am not physically or emotionally able to grasp on to it at present time.

I am finding it very difficult to verbalize the feelings I have had in recent weeks, but I don't feel right. (some would say that I've never been right to start with ... hehehe) ... there is still humor to be had, but I just can't muster up the energy to get past or through a work day. I am feeling that my work related stress in the past few months may be coming to a head and not sure if I will survive the fight on that war. On my health battle, I know, personally, in my heart, from listening to people say they think I am so courageous, strong, and a few other adjectives I just don't see myself to be as a true testament to what I have been teaching people. Does any of this make sense?? I am beginning to wonder why I am fighting so hard?? I know that you can't reach everyone, but can so many people be so completely ignorant? Be that well off in so many aspects of life that they believe something devastating could happen to them, or someone they love?

I often times tell Hillary that yes, we have seen more than our share of sorrow and sadness, but in that, we also have learned some very important life lessons. To be honest, even when it hurts beyond belief, tell those you love, that you love them when you have the chance because that opportunity may not show its face again. Life is short in the big scheme of things, and moments need to be taken in, cherished, enjoyed, even if they hurt. I am tired, and not sure how long my fight will hold on. I have the spirit, but I need the rest. I am so exhausted from the full-time work, the issue that lingers daily with the ultimate passing of my dad, which is becoming more and more apparent. What Hillary and I will have to deal with when that happens and the time frame in which we will have to complete the tasks at hand. Financial worries just like 95% of the nation/world today. I am not special, I have the same fears and worries many people have. I pray, yes, to some that may sound odd, but I do believe that I have always had an uncanny spiritual back up. That spirits from my life, and those I never knew, but met in the time of my diagnosis .... I always and often times thought I was crazy. Knowing what I saw, how I don't recall any real pain in the process other than the emotional pain I felt having to cope as an adult and not a child. I had an ability to relate to older people, children, animals, and strangers, in a manner in which I felt very comfortable, it was a gift, and I have enjoyed the experiences I have dealt with in my life. The loss of loved ones, being able to tell them, most of them, in a manner in which we all seemed to just "connect", believing that we will in deed, one day be together again, and what a hell of a party it will be!!!

When does one know this may be approaching ??
I am not afraid ... but I am not really ready .... I want more out of life. I want to see places, touch people, let them all know how much they mean to me, how things they said or did had really touched me ... why must life be all about material possessions, how BIG your "things" are ... why is that so important?? What has happened to the human spirit?? Too many questions, and not a whole lot of answers. If so many people have this outlook, then why is the world in the chaos it is??

Again, too many questions, and I am tired, I obviously can't make the difference I had hoped to for the children of the future, with such hope that in the near future they would not have to grow up like I did, deal with the constant juggling of life's journey with a devastating disease ... I sometime think that only those who actually live with it can understand, but I know that isn't the case, as there are so many that love us, that have witnessed episodes and feel so helpless as to how to make us "better." I want that .... not just for me, for a little longer, but for those kids that will be diagnosed today, tomorrow ... and .....my mother use to tell me how proud she was of me in how I dealt with life and its stuggles, how she didn't think she could do it, little did she know, I learned this coping skill from her. I am no hero ...

Thanks for listening to my ramble ... does anyone have answers?? Can anyone offer up a strategy that I have missed??

You all remain a huge support for me in this difficult time in my life ... and for that I am eternally grateful!!

Sweet dreams to all!!
Peace and Light
et

Let the Holiday stress begin ...

Greetings and a Happy Thanksgiving to Everyone!!

On the eve of this holiday in which by all standards we should be "thankful" for the blessings given to us. I am. It is also a time of year that I get sort of worn out, blue in the last couple, etc. With the loss of my Mom on 10-27-08, that wound is still so very fresh as I miss her presence every single day. Hillary and I laugh at times out of the blue in regard to a comment, or something stupid we did, or something we saw that "gramma would have loved that!" or "What would gramma think?" I so wish I could talk with her face to face just a few more times, and this was her time of year. She loved making dinner for ... well .. the more the merrier. It just isn't the same for Hilly, myself, and dad. We have opted to do no cooking this year as Hillary and I are completely exhausted with both of us suffering from work-related stress, and for her, school and finances, as a good portion of this nation is. Dad, too, is not holding up so well that last few weeks. I will say, that Dad attended the benefit and said and seemed to others to be having a wonderful time, in spite of not really understanding how the disease progresses, only knowing that people die, young, and in his normal mode of coping, lives in denial.

Hillary is finishing up this semester in the nursing program and really getting pumped up about only having 2 left to have her degree. She wants more trauma .... I can't wait for less and a calming, serene mode of life. For me, that will come when I get my treatment and ultimately can move on, hopefully to a work situation where folks are less phony, less all about me, less about you, no two-faced BS. Now, at my age, this should roll right off, but .... I still find myself giving people too much room and then ultimately get burned. These past weeks have pretty much come to a head, with a particular person not (in my opinion) having the emotional ability to deal with a problem head on and see what happens. It is so much easier for people like this to just use you, and when they seem to have used you up, gotten what they wanted out of you, and are looking good in their mind, toss you to the curb like old garbage .... and then, instead of laying the issue on the table and allowing the feelings, opinions, and explanations to come to light, it is easier to assume, stomp your feet, slam doors, and scrape that person right off your shoes as if they never existed. Sad ... and these are suppose to be grown ups, people in position of a sort of power. Seems to be the mentality of a good part of this country in recent times. It's all about "you", it's all about "how much can I get", "how far can I push another" etc. All I want ..... is to be able to do my job, to the best of my ability, be given the tools to do such job, to have the guidance of a supervisor who may care about the job being done instead of becoming nonexistent due to the climbing of the corporate ladder and looking dumber with every climbing rung. .... LOL .... that one was great.... I like it!!!

Anyone who makes a statement such as "I'm not here to make friends" should have been a sort of red flag, call me stupid!! Any person who knows me, truly knows that I take my friendships VERY seriously, and I am committed to a good many of them on a level that very few "get." Good, bad, happy, sad, in times of need, trouble, etc. I will not take advantage of someone, I will give the shirt off my back if someone needed it and I would go without .... because my friends mean that much to me. Now, when you think someone has become a friend (obviously cautious)and then you do something with their best interest at heart it runs the risk of a blow up, not the "spoiled brat syndrome" (in which so many seem to raise their children these days) stomp your feet, spew your snotty attitude, make the other person feel like dirt, (yet again), not to mention weeks of behind your back talk to people she should not be spouting off to given her position, not my idea of a primo supervisory exhibit...... therefore, I am going to spend this weekend updating my resume, perhaps send a few out, and hope .... I really wanted my treatment prior to making this sort of move given how my health has been so up and down in recent months. But, one thing in my favor, and I have multiple letters of recommendation coming in from others who have had to work with me, have supported not only my work ethics, but my personal determination to plug on. In spite of not feeling well on many, many occasions, I can honestly say, and others will say the same as they have witnessed my determination, that there have been many days where I should have stayed home and my ass made it to work. How long can I keep that up? Why would I want to? I mean really, I have given more than 100% while on the job only to come home and allow my house and home life to go to the dogs because I am so totally emotionally drained, physically exhausted that I just change and am in bed to try and regenerate before the alarm goes off again with no real reward, no acknowledgement of a good job done or thanks for giving me your all, only to make another person look good. If an organization is to work by it's own philosophy of "team" work, and the team or parts of the team, seems to cover those who don't play fully or fairly, and then the big gun takes all the credit ..... this is to me emotional blackmail ... and some people are just too stupid to see it. Others, sort of like myself, see it, try hard to play along for as long as possible in hopes of change and maybe an eye opening experience .... for me, only to be let down yet again by corporate beings and their lack of appreciation for the people that help get them where they are..... and yet ... still living in the flipping poverty level while they are traveling all over, often times on business, yet returning with no real data to share with those they should be ... it's is all, in my opinion, corporate BS!!!!

I have never played this game very well. I have never been able to curb my lack of political incorrectness. I call it as I see it, if the baby is ugly, the baby is ugly ... don't get me wrong, I don't speak my mind with the intention of hurting anyone. But .... let's be real here folks .... is the constant of today's society really need to have all this BS floating around? Kids today don't know how to lose, they think every one wins, and they should learn to lose graciously, that it is how you play the game, not if you win or lose. There are lessons in both. God forbid your self-esteem take a hit, this is why I think there are so many selfish people such as the person who has contributed so much stress to my work life recently with the inability to deal with, or perhaps cope with an issue that obviously hit to close to home. I can't even say that this is not my problem, as I have allowed it to effect my health and heart. Shame on me ... I should be a cold hearted, feeling deficient human being and move on like I just stepped over a dead tree limb. Sorry, that is NOT how I chose to live my life. I have allowed myself to be hurt again by someone I thought was capable of "getting it."

My health and longevity is ALL I WANT!!! I am not impressed by people with money, I know several in many "categories" of lifestyle, I get along with them all. The all mighty buck, does not buy you a guaranteed happiness ... and neither does a bottle!! That statement can apply to several people I have encountered in my life, and a few family members as well.

As far as pain, physical and emotional, it all effects my blood sugars, my overall well being. I am a firm believer that until one deals with the pain of such, faces it, owns it and then lets it go, a relationship of any level is often times not going to survive .... those that do ... are deeper, stronger, and more resilient than any other in one's life. That is my story .... and I AM sticking to it.

To some, this entry may be very off the wall, (I too, feel a sense of rambling) but there is a story here, not being able to use names, or places of employment, God forbid I get accused of slander ... LMAO ..... I look in the mirror often .... and it isn't to see if my lipstick needs freshening .... as I don't wear it!!! I have earned my laugh lines, each and every one of them ... pretty ... well, not always, but a piece of my character and how I got to the person I am today ... someone who I can honestly say not too many could wear my shoes for any length of time without feeling the pressures of the juggling involved for me to live why new follower, Linda, stated in last post comment. To live a full life...... to Linda ~ Welcome!! It is nice to have a townie follower on board, and to everyone else ... be true to your feelings, your heart, your ethics of life, and that commandment of "Treat those as you would want to be treated" .... hmmmmm, should I become that person who stomped all over me because I stated something out of concern and feelings got hurt?? I don't think so, that is not my style, and .... it is so not very becoming ... unless you are of the brat syndrome mentality .... LOL ....

With all that rambling. .... I am THANKFUL for friends and family who truly know me and where I come from, what I stand for, what I deal with on a daily basis, usually with a laugh and/or smile, and what irritates me most is one's ignorance to want to learn something new with an open mind. Skepticism is welcome, but leave the window open to allow for expansion ..... Thank you !!!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!
Peace and Light
et

Benefit Update

Greetings and an upcoming Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!!!

Last Saturday was the Fish Fry benefit. We had a pretty good one night event, in spite of the fact I had never done anything on this level before. I can't thank ALL the people that came, donated, worked so hard to pull this event together. Not as many people showed up as bought tickets, but it was a totally emotional, amusing, and very educational evening for everyone with much positive feedback. Hopefully, the newspapers will do a follow up in this coming weeks edition.

Overall, we made a deposit of 1595.oo with a check being presented to myself from the Eagles for profits from the dinner and some of the raffles they had going. The quilt brought in close to $750. total including what was sold prior to the San Francisco trip.

There was a call from a local doctor that made inquiry into where, when, etc and said that he could not make the benefit, but would like to send a check. Haven't heard any more about that yet, but I have definitely peaked an interest in the medical community. Except my eye doctor today ... I think he really needs to expand his mind a little and learn what is out there. Might be time to shop for a new ophthalmologist. In spite of my opinion to closed minds, my eyes were and remained stable as of today. They sure do feel old and worn out these days.

The winner of the quilt was Aggie Doyle of MA, my home stomping grounds. CONGRATS!! I hope you enjoy it as it is beautiful and I appreciate your offer to "re-raffle", but I wouldn't feel right about doing that. Perhaps another might come along just as beautiful and we can do it again. Each one is a work of art and no two alike.

There are a couple of pics I will attach here, it was a great evening.

On a slightly negative note: The ISCI has gone up on the cost of the treatment from $10K to $11,5K .... so I am still sitting at ground zero in reality. On an even better note, the ISCI is in process of working with a major US University to follow patients that undergo the adult stem cell treatment (adipose). This is one area I would love to be a part of. I have sparked an interest in the local medical community, and was told I "know your stuff." That is such a good feeling knowing that what I am putting forth is research and movement on the cutting edge. I can and plan on, playing a small role in bringing this sort of advancement in treatment to many.

I will try and make a more in depth update over the weekend.

Again, Thanks to ALL who continue to keep me in their prayers and for the support. I can not thank you enough, and at many times, Thank you just doesn't seem like it is enough.

Peace and Light
et