Happy Saturday to everyone!!
I can't believe that September has arrived, the weather seems to be cooling down, we have had some rain this past week, but I am still just at a phase of being overwhelmed to the point I have no clue where the time has gone over the past few weeks. It's been just one blur after another. The entire situation in which my father passed away still weighs on me, and I have awoken at night in this daze as to where all this "rubble" in my home has come from. We have been able to start the weeding out process .... but it is hard to face after going to work and/or school all day or in Hilly's case, just coming in from a day of school yesterday and an all night shift. Everyone keeps telling us, "just take the time, a year or so, put it aside," .... well .... that would be all well and good if I had any sort of storage, shed, or garage. It has to be done, and the sooner I can get it done, and boxes packed for my brothers, the sooner I can forget about the hurtful, selfish behaviors and move on with my own life .... for Hillary, I know she feels bad about the entire situation, however, she is an adult now, can make her own conclusions, make her own call on what and who is part of her life. I, on the other hand, have had my 48 years to look back on recently, and have come to the conclusion that in a "reality" outlook, my brothers never really did support me in my life knowing the disease process, etc. Perhaps they really don't....?? It would seem that the whole "apple doesn't fall far from the tree" theory would place my brothers in the same thought processes as my father. That if we "deny it exists, then we need not really deal with it." It was odd, one of the moments in which keeps playing in my head is the Tuesday night we were in the ER with my dad. He kept insisting that I go home as I had been there since getting out of work, and had not eaten. It was the first time I ever recall him not only making comment of the fact, but would appear he understood now. Not long ago, he was telling me to "be careful, you might throw up your insulin." ..... Not the most intelligent comment from someone who lived in the same house as me for almost 20 years. Anyway .... lots of "moments" keep running though my mind, waking me at night, fogging my thoughts at work, perhaps part of the natural grieving process, but I am thinking this is a little different in that my entire life is about to change, and due to the family BS, I will only have those who have truly supported me in this venture over the past few years to share what comes next. I find it sad, disappointing, and probably a few other words that are just not coming to the forefront, that my own siblings could be so cold hearted, selfish, and with the nerve to blame me for not being fair to them. It totally blows me away!!! I thought I had come to this conclusion when they told me that they would not care for my dad, in any way due to their "childhood feelings." .... LMAO .... I am sorry, but I really do think this is one of the lamest excuses for "grown ups" I have ever heard. At least I can say this about my friends, and extended family, we have always spoke "up front", I don't usually hold any punches in my opinions or how I feel, you usually know where you stand with me ... and likewise ..... so how blessed am I??? To have people like this in my life to enjoy this journey with me, share some of the deepest thoughts of my being, laugh, cry, agree to disagree, and still ..... love and respect. This .... in my opinion, is one of my lifes best gifts, I have some of the greatest people in my life, some having been around for 20-30 years, coming and going, yet always being able to pick up right where we left off, and still continue to move forward in life. How much more can I ask for.....?? I am sorry that my brothers, all of us having been raised in the same home, same parents, same outlook, morals, etc ... primarily run by my mother, could come to be adults with such an outlook on who they are, where they came from, and one lesson I don't think too many, if any, rarely think about ..... I am happy that they seem to be successful in their careers, have nice homes, seem like they manage to get by, some better than the others but ...... when the shit hits the fan (pardon the expression), and life hits you with that slap in the face, you could lose all that wealth in a split second .... I certainly hope they know who they are and where they came from then .... as I do believe that I have learned many lessons over the years, especially since my diagnosis in 1972. I have always felt different in my outlook of the world, maybe we need to have near death experiences as children, as it would seem that as adults, not everyone "gets it." One brother in particular, who I have always considered myself close with in spite of differences over the years, has had a stroke, a heart attack, stents placed .... and no doubt the infamous family trait of high blood pressure and elevated cholesterol, and by looking at his feet and legs, a serious circulation issue (similar to his father).... can sit here drinking heavily, and smoking one after another, and tell me .... what life is all about!!! I certainly hope that for his sake, his grandchildren think he is all that and more, as I think, and remember as a child, my grandfather not being my favorite person as he smelled of beer, cigarette smoke, and was nasty on so many levels. He seems to love his grandchildren very much, however, I wonder if he ever thinks about the picture he portrays in their eyes??? Not my business really .... but .... as siblings .... I was brought up to believe we loved each other, would support and band together in times of need, or death .... seems I was wrong .... and on SO many levels.
This is another one I must put behind me, deal with it, and get on with life. MY LIFE!!! In the past few years, and now, since my treatment and positive responses, my goal is to help others in similar situations. This area of medicine/science can help so many, and it is my passion to share what I do know, continue to learn where the area is going, and educate those looking to know more. I want to be part of finding a cure for Type I, but I also want to encourage others, especially those with neuromuscular and bone issues to look into this.... it is amazing, almost miraculous in what it can do for us. For me, it is something I totally enjoy, my daughter says it makes me "spastic" in my excitement and enthusiasm when she sees me talking to someone interested in knowing what I have been through, and the changes I have experienced. That really does make the deep pain of having a sibling say "don't know anything about it, and I don't care," so much easier to take, as I can't make anyone care, I can't change anyone's behaviors or outlooks but my own. I only have control over my actions and outlooks. However, I will always be willing to share my experiences with anyone who wants to know more, and for that, I am totally grateful for the blessings in which have been placed in my life.
Perhaps today's post is a lot of babbling .... I do apologize .... I have had some low blood sugars these past 2-3 weeks in which I am not spotting them, I am trying hard to put this all into perspective given the situations that have arisen, but ... I must remain diligent, I finally have an appointment with a surgeon on the 22nd to just remove this lymph node (mass), another issue which has been causing disruption .... I'm emotionally and physically exhausted and don't feel like I got any time to actually process any of this BS before having to get back to my life. Just goes to prove .... "life stands still for no one."
With that being said .... go out and live your life today. Do something that makes you happy, brings you peace, relax and take in the sights and sounds that should make us all reflect and prosper.
Wishing all of you a wonderful weekend!!!
Be well ~ Peace and Light
et
