Reality check ...

Sorry about the time between posts.

I have continued to not feel well, and show symptoms of low-grade, off/on fever, swelling, fatigue, etc over the past couple of weeks. This past week I came home early twice, and every day fought to make it through my eight hours.  Needless to say, not a whole lot got done when I finally got home. On Friday, I left early again with a fever and made calls to the doctors office. I am getting no where pretty fast, today, I am home again, looking and feeling like a Macy's day balloon (or at least that is how I feel). A call is in yet again to the doctors office on the authorization for this flipping scan. Tomorrow, if I haven't heard anything back I am going to plan on driving to Phoenix after work, by that time symptoms should be all good and clearly visible as everyone seems to see an "ill" look in my eyes by mid-afternoon. Why is this such an issue?? Better yet, why have I allowed it to go on for so many weeks now?? When I saw this "fill in" NP last week and she made the comment about "well, I can guarantee a scan won't show anything, after all, your not dead yet" was not my idea of a bedside manner on the plus side at this point. Where does a so called professional get off making a statement like that not knowing me at all? She had just met me 5 minutes prior!!! She has no clue what my long-term history, or family history is to go making comments like that, and if I am exhibiting symptoms repeatedly, and I have clearly visible and palpable "lumps" than I say SHUT YOUR MOUTH already and let's get to the bottom of this problem. I am sick and tired of fighting, and really am tired of the BS. I am feeling that this is the time I am not being my best advocate, and that someone else might have to step up pretty soon. I don't want to burden Hillary with this currently, so I just best "man up" and get 'er done.

Reality ... Reality bites!! Reality isn't the crap we watch on television, in fact, in my opinion, that is the furthest from reality a person can get. No one gives a shit about Paris Hilton, or these Kardashian broads, whoever they are anyway ... ?? These people wouldn't know reality if it bit them in the ass!! I was on a phone call yesterday with a woman (a neuropsychologist) in which I do some side work for at home. We have been working together now for almost 5 years, and although for the most part it is a professional relationship, she has taken a liking to me and has interjected her opinion on a couple of occasions. Yesterday, she started asking me some questions, not realizing that I haven't been as well as I put forth and my finally telling her (this is the 2nd or 3rd time) I am contemplating resigning from providing her services again due to my health status. Well ... this turned into a 40 minute phone call and her telling me she thinks I should contact this person to help me get my SSDI benefits reinstated and that it is "not giving up to lay around and watch television" but to slow down and not try so hard (kill myself) to put in 40 hours for a company that doesn't care anymore and is and has created a toxic environment for the employees. I was a little shocked that she became so verbal in her concern. She mentioned that she would like me to contact the Mayo Clinic down in Scottsdale as they are known for the clinical diagnostic area in which she feels I need currently based on my "long, complex medical history." Her concern really does touch my heart, and it was sort of a slap in the face as to my dragging my feet in recent weeks. Something is wrong, and part of me .... doesn't really want to know what it is anymore .....

Ok ... well ...  I really don't have a clue as to what is going on within my body. I don't believe that it has anything to do with my stemmies, other than I can't help but feel maybe I would be dead already without them. My blood sugars have been, if nothing else, the least of my problems in recent weeks as they seem stable and much easier to control .... even on the prednisone. However ... all the other things, and I have been documenting them in a small notebook I carry in my bag. Weeks of temps, aches, swelling, all the nodes that are now showing symptoms ... like my neck ... and my tongue ... along with the one in my groin area. Too much ... today I have been pretty much on the couch all day ... woke up just an hour ago and to be totally honest, could go back to bed for the night within the hour.

My plan is this ... tomorrow if symptoms appear and sustain, and I can bear not taking any Tylenol (Hillary says I need to let the fever ride or they won't treat it as a valid symptom) I am going to drive the 2 hours to Phoenix after work and present to the ER at the Banner Good Samaritan Hospital where the PET scan Center is located. If need be, they can evaluate, and review my records (which I will have with me) and go from there. Enough ... nothing is getting better, and it can't be good that it isn't subsiding or going away.

So ... how is that for reality ?? Part of me wants to, or wishes I could be in a position to undergo another stemmie treatment ... but ... perhaps I can connect with a team down in Phoenix which is interested in what I have undergone (I noticed the Mayo has some trials going on out of MN in this area) .... lots of "under the gun" trials and research is going on in stem cells, it is all in how they word it I guess as to how much they get away with in the US under the guise of politics and FDA rulings.

I'm losing my strength for fight ... being single, alone, and only support is that which is not direct contact, I am not sure what sort of fight this might be. I can't and won't expect Hillary to put her life on hold any longer to wait for me ... PERIOD!! I know she worries, I know she loves me, I know ... she will understand ... and be with me when she can, or if I ask her ... she is my best supporter ... but this too, is our reality!!

Ok ... well ... that is my complaint for today ... thank you, again, for continued prayers and as always .... those who follow me along this journey in which at times I wonder ..... what is the end result suppose to be??

Peace and Light
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