What is a life worth ?

Morning everyone !!

I have been pondering for a couple of weeks now. How does one put a value on one's life? Why and/or how, does one judge what someone elses life may be worth? I guess I write today based on a conversation that came about yesterday.

I am one of six children. Since the passing of my mother, and quite frankly, long before that, we all seem to be in our own little worlds. I having somehow been placed to be the caretaker. At one point being told by a brother that it was my job as the girl. Who the hell wrote that rule I would like to know?? In any event, I did take care of my parents, and have for seems like too many years now. I would take care of my mother again, bed ridden, any day, as I loved her tremendously, had respect and admiration for her lifelong strength in dealing with multiple issues, many of which my brothers have NO CLUE. I will be the first one to say that I was raised in a dysfunctional home. With that being said, I now feel, that I will no longer be the caretaker, not for my father, and certainly not for my brothers. We were all raised the same, in the same household, I am sure that they have their "issues" .... WE ALL HAVE ISSUES !!! When you reach the age of 50, pushing 60, and you still hold a deep grudge, for whatever reason, that is YOUR issue, not mine. For the one who claims he was on my mother's "whole journey," GROW UP. It is not all about you, it is not poor me, it isn't what you did or didn't do, and when the chips are down, own your own shit, and stop blaming everyone else.

Okay ... LOL .... now with that off my chest. Lets get back to what makes a life valuable.

I am not a rich woman monetarily speaking. I feel that I am exceptionally rich in the people I have as a continuum in my life. I am sorry to say, that my siblings are not, nor have they been, a continuous influence in my life. I own my own shit. I know I made mistakes. I married to "get out" too, a decision I may rethink in hindsight, but then, I would not have my precious and wonderful gift of my daughter. Yes, my daughter, who has also taken on responsibilities that are not really hers to own. She is totally responsible, she pays for ALL her own bills, her portion of the rent, her car, her insurances, contributes to the maintenance of her grandfather, etc. I am curious as to how many of the other grandkids are even aware of what their own parents may have sacrificed for them, to go to college, have a car, live perhaps rent free. Out of all bad situations can come a very positive outcome for future reference and guidance.

What I am trying to say, is that I feel that in my recent undertaking, I too, am deserving of being a little selfish in wanting my life to be extended for a few more years, I would like to say at least 20 .... that would only make me 66 years old at death. Now .... whose decision is it to say that I should not undertake the opportunity presented to me at this time in my life? Life as I know it failing rather quickly since the death of my mother, and continued monitoring of my ever demanding father, to be a little selfish and rid myself of the toxic relationships that hinder my decent health.... I think that one belongs to me.

I realize that the fundraising efforts set in place by my daughter and coworkers is a gesture I could not begin to repay, but I am ever so grateful that people in my life on a day-to-day basis find that my life, and the things I bring to theirs is worthy of say .... $20,000 ..... hell it costs that much to give birth ...... and so much more than that in a lifetime to raise a child.

In a nut shell, there are laws against elder abuse, negligence, consequences to be paid for all of life's actions. I, at this point in my life, am not willing to lose my house, my car, my job, or my life, risking the safety of my father, or those of strangers in the event of some accident, because others don't want to see the "BIG picture" or are so incredibly pissed at the past, the present, and a reason for the future I guess, that they no doubt live life in a hostile, toxic environment. We are all human, everyone deals with things in their own way, some healthy, some not so healthy, I too, had to learn that lesson, and not in such an easy manner. I am sure this posting is going to piss off some folks, but perhaps, open eyes to the fact, that what and how you live your life, does not rule the way I live mine. I have a conscience, I like to sleep at night, I do not go out of my way to lie, tell stories of untruth, or to intentionally hurt those I care about, or even those I don 't know. Life in today's times, are difficult enough without holding onto these toxic feelings, it boils down to the fact that it comes time to grow up, realize that certain people are never going to change, let go of past hurts, try communicating instead of blaming everyone else for what is wrong in your life, and learn to appreciate the small, everyday happenings the God offers each and every one of us.

I am being offered a new lease on life, will I make the most of it, without a doubt. I am still going to care for those I love, I will just learn to distance myself from the repeated toxicity of negative talk and reactions. I know my mother loved each and every one of her children, in spite of their differences. I also know, without a doubt, that at this time, I don't think she would be so proud of certain behaviors. For me, I know how much my mother appreciated me, loved me, and supported me, in spite of our differences, she also taught me how to disagree with others, and not hold a personal grudge because opinions differed. That gift alone, is worth more to me than any other lesson life has to offer.

I am about to venture on a journey of unknown outcome, hoping for a bright future, a longer future, and a healthy future so that I may watch my daughter marry, earn her degree, flourish in her career, and perhaps give birth to grandkids (I can really wait for this last one, I don't feel old enough to be a grandma yet :P) I would like for those future children to know who I was, what I stood for, what I did with my life in the face of extreme difficulty at times on many levels. I chose to overcome, to win, to be not a victim, but a survivor with smiles and laughter, even when it hurts. Through tears, can come a bright tomorrow and a better understanding of who we are, and how we impact those around us.

Have a wonderful day !!
Peace and Love
et