LMAO .... Mental Health .... now there's a topic.
Might as well get this one out of the way early on. Seeing as I work for a mental health facility, have a few family members who have done thier life work in the field, one or two I am sure have been trying to analyze me for years and only seeming to discover ...... that I have a dirty mind.
Living with diabetes has been a tremendous juggling act for many years. When I was first diagnosed at the age of 9 I had all the usual feelings of disbelief, denial, anger (this one lingered for a long time), and the why me syndrome. I was not really accepted all that well when I returned home from my long hospital stay. Kids at school somehow believed that I was "contagious." I had just started the 4th grade when I was diagnosed, and kids at that age can be pretty tough to start with. Add me, and daily trips to the nurses office, or my insulin kicking in when it was no where near time for lunch, or having to leave the classroom for various reasons, like having a snack. I hate it!!! I didn't like the whole feeling different thing. I think this is where that chip began to develop into the "don't mess with me" attitude.
I did not realize until years later, the hell I put my mother through. For the rest of the family, my older brothers were not really around much that I remember, and the two younger ones, no doubt felt a little pushed aside, my father had a chronic illness and was no prize to deal with, your basic dysfunctional family of the 70's. Not that I will take blame for the way their lives turned out. My oldest brother was newly married in 1972, the next was a senior in high school and entered the Air Force, so he flew off within a year, and the next one, closest to me was still in high school, but had a girl friend, or two, or three .... LOL ...and also left for the Air Force right out of high school at age 17, that left me at 10/11. I just don't really remember them at this time of my life. I can honestly say I don't really remember much about life prior to being diagnosed. I did the whole dance thing, which I did for a long time, and managed to get through school with good grades. I was not a stupid kid by any means, but I felt very out of place, different and could never really put a name, or finger on why. (That near death experience at the onset played a huge part in how I was feeling, fearing telling anyone).
Needless to say, life went on, in a rather turbulent manner for a long time. I refused to give myself the injections that I had so proudly shown the nursing staff I could do on an orange (BFD) !! It was a whole different picture when you had to plow that thing into your own ass, arm or leg. I became increasingly more miserable and no doubt made my mother's hair whiter and whiter as time went on. At the point of my reaching adolescence, not only did I have the raging hormone thing going, which REALLY wreaked havoc on the system. Moody BITCH was a total understatement in my case, a friends mom once described me as "Jekyl and Hyde" in a matter of the time it took to go to the bathroom.... LOL. In hind sight, I was not the most desirable person to have around. I was sort of a loner, the class clown, yet bright, intelligent, and years later finding out intimidating to some. I knew how to entertain myself, and I enjoyed being around older people, or being alone. I had a feeling I knew why, but even they would irritate me at times. "Did you eat?", "Are you suppose to be eating that?" .... cut me some slack people and get off my ass was what I always wanted to respond to these sorts of statements.
At some point, I want to say 5th or 6th grade, my mother took me to see a psychiatrist, not being able to tolerate my moods anymore. (At the time, the results of blood sugar on moods, was not really clear.) My first encounter of several over the years, this one at her discretion, the rest at my own, minus one, that was a sneaky ploy. In any event, lets just say, I have been thrown out of not only a bar or two, but a couple of doctor offices as well. I was pissed at the world, and I needed to find my own way, on my own terms. I did pick up on some strategies to cope, but not with the help of this guy. I basically shut him down too. I learned to love my music, my dance, continue to enjoy the arts, animals, the ocean and I guess you could say I sort of secluded for a while. I went to school, but I always felt like garbage, somewhat alone, with the exception of my BFF who has been with me through all my bad stuff, and my good stuff too, all the way from Maine, since the 6th grade, a true friend. Mind you, back then, there were no glucose meters, no pumps, it was glass test tubes, take a whiz in a cup, every morning, a call to the pediatrician to get a dosage for the day, and the rest was sort of "wing it." In those first five years or so, I bet I landed in the hospital once a year for a week at a time. (The Edmonton Protocol discovered that the results of those long term effects of blood sugar managed back then were dangerous and so very inaccurate)
I sought psychiatric guidance again in my 20s during an abusive marriage, getting no real guidance from the Catholic church .... (this is autobiography material) and again when I began to suffer from nerve damage, and chronic pain in the mid-90's from multiple sources. The last psychiatrist I dealt with was a specialist in the practice of psychopharmacology. I worked with him for about 8 months, and multiple meds. At the end of our meetings, he sat across from me, scratched his head and stated, "I can't seem to help you, but if you ever get depressed, you come see me." WHAT !!! LMAO .... your joking right????
I have, as stated earlier, a very warped sense of humor and I use it at every opportunity I get. It has been documented that people who suffer from a chronic disease, or chronic pain, (I have both) suffer from depression. I have over the years suffered my share of depression as well. I miscarried multiple times, all depressive situations, I had a bad marriage, a cheating husband, emotionally and physically abusive (nothing personal against anyone, it's a fact), I had health issues, and ultimately, I was unhappy with my life. I have had to make choices, and I am the one who has dealt with the consequences of those choices. I am not claiming to be an angel, I did some things I regret, but on the whole, I came out okay. I am a survivor, I learn as I go, some of those lessons are painful, those make us stronger, they make us appreciate what we have. Strive to be more, be a better person. So when it comes to mental health, don't let it bring you down, think it through, pick the problem which requires the most attention at the time, acknowledge it, allow yourself to feel whatever it is you might feel, deal with it, and move on to the next. You will most likely find something totally amusing about the issue later on, or in my case, often times while you are in the midst of it. That whole Victoria Secret thing still makes me smile and laugh out loud (LOL) !!
Okay ... that is today's topic ... guess it is sort of a therapy for me as if I had the $$ I would be seeking a beach front weekend to cleanse my soul to renew my outlook, which has been a little down lately. I think some of it may be burnout !! We all need to take care of ourselves to be any good to someone else. Thanks to all my friends for laughing with me, we do it so well, and so often, and so many times, over absolutely nothing of any importance, just stupid things in life ...
On that note, I wish you all a wonderful evening!!
{{Hugs}}
me
Hugs back at ya.
ReplyDeleteDeb : )