Happy Saturday!!!
I am still sort of "catatonic" as Hilly would describe in the realm of this becoming a reality for me. I have been just trying to stay focused on work, taking care of things that need the day-to-day attention. Oh, and not to mention the childlike, selfish needs of my father, who has a knack for pushing my buttons. I try very hard not to let him get to me, but really, it is so beyond my comprehension at times as to how one man can be so stupid, so self-centered, don't care about you, take care of me attitude that I honestly don't know how my mother tolerated this sort of behavior for 60 years!!! Anyway, once I get his errands taken care of this afternoon, and listen to what will undoubtedly be 3 hours of ranting about nothing, and no concern what so ever for what is happening now, and wanting nothing more than for me to take him to a casino so he can blow $$ that a brother or 2 may have sent him (which is NOT going to happen this weekend!) I can come home and collect all the things that need to come with me on the trip.
I have been on another round of antibiotic this week, last dose tomorrow for an upper respiratory infection, which I believe just went from my head in November, to my chest now, as this has been the 3rd round of antibiotic since that time. Not exactly the state I wanted to be in going into treatment. I have been trying hard to pump clear fluids (my love of coffee hasn't been so much last couple of weeks:(); fruits, and my whole food supplements as I can't seem to eat as much of this stuff as appears to be recommended. I believe my "Juice Plus" has helped me get through so many of these surgeries, procedures, just keeping me going in a healthy manner, and the stuff has been studied world wide to prove this fact. It's good shit!!!! LOL ....
This past couple of weeks has been .... well ..... I can't come up with a descriptive right now. Work was okay ... I remained focused (not sure how), met my deadlines, tried very hard to get as much work ready for my girls ... hehehe ... so they have work while I am out. They will anyway as a system has been placed to get this done while I am out. They are all such wonderful women, have been so supportive of me, it is really a great feeling to have people in our lives that are so acceptive of each other, we all have trials that require a little extra support from our friends. One woman in our office had two sons leave for boot camp this week, and yet, yesterday, she was so totally apologetic to me, I so would not have expected anything less from her, I can't imagine the anxiety involved in sending our children off to the situations going on in our military today. Absolutely no apologies are needed on my end my friend. My prayers are with you and your boys during this trying time. Another working peer as you might address, came forward after what seemed like several months of chaos to make ammends of sorts, that was ...... not only a shock, but, openly I took it in, and it seemed sincere, I will, however, at this time, not dwell on this topic, remain cautious, and just allow the stars to flow ..... I am not a big fan of being used as a door mat when I really don't have the energy to go about my life with lies and deciept. My objective is to ... as the New Hampshire state motto says ... "Live and Let Live" .... I do not go about life to hurt, destroy, undermine, not into the drama, usually can't remember what I did last week, lol .... I take great pleasure in small conversations, sharing lifes trials and triumphs, the whole live, laugh, love mentality. It is what keeps me content and grounded. Whatever happens ... well .... it must have been meant to be.
Ok ... moving on .... Hillary and I have interacted well this week. I think she knows I am so preoccupied with what is about to happen. I know she would like nothing more than to accompany me, I know she is worried about me traveling alone and not being able to response fast enough to a drastic low. I am prepared to take the extra precautions as we hope for the decreased insulin intake. It is going to require my utmost attention to stay on top. Little does any one know, this factor has me scared to death!!!! Yes, I do have fears, my mother use to tell me she thought I dealt with my disease in such a "graceful manner" ... LMAO ... I very often did not share with her that certain happenings scared the shit out of me, and I often times have wondered myself, "how did I survive that one??" .... it is not a feeling I would wish upon anyone. The loss of time, memory so it seems as time goes on, .... it can be debilitating if one were to dwell on it. I think ... and I truly believe I learned this quality from my mother, you do what you can with what you have, plow forward knowing right from wrong, and hope for the best .... Oh, and ... let's add a little laughter ... because as we both did for so many years, find something in the darkest of situations ... to laugh about, even if it reflected back on us. It helps, it keeps us real, grounded, HUMAN. Everyone has trials, life is not all roses and wine ... it is "full of pricks" as my mother use to say ... LMAO ... it was how we cope and deal with these irritations that makes us stronger people.
Back to Hillary, she had a clinical day yesterday and was assigned to the emergency room. OMG!!! Talk about the kid finding her element ... she was pumped beyond excitement when I picked her up last night. (We have been carpooling this week as her truck is in the shop). She was a nonstop motor mouth for the 30 minute ride home and another 30-45 minutes when we got home. She was so thrilled with the day of adreneline and all the things she was able to demonstrate, with what seemed like effortless goals. She got yet another excellent feed back to the clinical instructor, from the nursing and doc staff in the ER yesterday. I was so proud of her, and she is so animated when she is all excited and passionate about something. I really do think this is the area she would most thrive in, as a parent, I worry about the "burn out factor" involved in this line of medicine.... but I have to say, she is all over the critical thinking and acting ... totally awesome to watch in action. She is and has made me so proud!!! Hillary has been my blessing, my miracle, my ultimate accomplishment. I helped create a woman, a smart, beautiful, fun-loving, passionate, so very intelligent, and determined young woman ... where she decides to go is up to her, but I believe, as I have always told her, the sky is the limit if you want to apply yourself, you can do ANYTHING you want to do!!!! I can't say enough about her and all the things we share ... I hope she holds onto these things her entire life as I believe that they have helped her understand the world, prepare her for the cruelty out there. She is so aware .... but strives to do better, keep the bar high enough, and NEVER let it down.
OKay ... well .... again, lots of anxiety and nausea been hanging on my head this week. Last night, not really sure of times, I think I was already in bed, I felt and was awoken by major heat, so I shuffled to the kitchen, checked my blood, registered as 38 .... WTF .... I am so incoherant, Hilly was not home yet, I don't remember what I ate above the empty cereal box on the counter this morning, I do, vaguely remember sitting on the couch here and not being able to focus, hold my head up, I think I was scared ... it was not a good feeling ... I guess at some point, I shut my pump off ... in any event, when I awoke this morning I was at 504!! this sort of up and down stuff is the stuff that is killing me!! and I can't seem to control it even when I try ... it can be out of this world, frustrating. All my blood work earlier in the week came back "normal" ... .normal .... and yet my A1c was above 7!!! This pisses me to no end knowing I do everything in my power to keep on top of this. It is the most important factor ... without it, I don't function at all. I remain hopeful, and so totally believe that this cutting edge science, is the stepping stone to cures!! I must remain positive, focused, .... but damn, does ANYONE have any idea how hard it is to keep a pace like this throughout an entire life??? The distractions it can cause in lifes day-to-day activities for normal people??? How about we add on .... as life goes on .... arthritis, damaged bones, joints, after effects of being a punching bag, being diagnosed with digestive complications from diabetes, fibromyalgia, PTSD, heatt arrythmia, and some shit I would like to forget about completely, but have had to deal with, without a spouse or significant others .... I have had .... my daughter, for which I often times felt guilt over something I had no control over, had to let it go, and just tell her. She has always been supportive, even when she was not with me, and many times, I did try and get things taken care of without her presense or knowledge until after the fact. It is demanding at best, and a person, even with the best of spirits, gets tired. I am hoping for a little rest, soon, and yet know, I still have a lot of fight to go through .... and hoping that those of you that have taken on my cause, support me daily, have kept me in their prayers, and send constant good vibes and spirit ... I am so GRATEFUL!!! I have truly been blessed in the respect that I have been allowed to touch peoples lives in some small way ... that I touch and/or spark a passion for people to do good, go one step further, and yet ... REMAIN LAUGHING ... for me, laughing has been such an important part of my life, perhaps as a defense mechanism, but without a doubt, a grounding tool, for as long as I can laugh at myself and the things that happen to me, which eases others perception of the situation, no matter what happens, it needs to have a laugh, a smile, a hug, a human connection, and we all have that, we just need to allow to let it shine, and be receptive ... that is the hard part. :D
For all who continue to follow me, you are a blessing to me and my life!!! What you do is beyond words ... and I so appreciate all the support, laughs, kind words, encouragement ... ok ... well enough of pumping up your egos ... LMAO!!
I have things to get done, I will post again, most likely when I get to Texas as I will be alone, and need some sort of "connection" to the human race .... Be well, love those who are in your life, and tell them ..... we only have today, tomorrow is a the ultimate gift.
Peace and Light
ET
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