Dysfunction is killing me !!!

Good evening all !!

Well .... I really am beginning to feel like I am losing my grip. As if my blood sugars being up and down like a yo-yo with no real added issues, lets throw on a family full of dysfunction. I have been on (I think we are up to 5 today) phone calls all afternoon. From my father calling to advise me again, the threat of some utility being turned off, and then getting a call from a brother whom I have not spoken to directly since prior to the holidays telling me he isn't believing me over my father!! I nearly went ballistic !!!! My father has never told the truth about anything in his life, or so that is my belief. It seems to have a genetic factor, as there are a couple of my brothers that seem to come up with their own truths as well. Not only that, I am out of patience in the department of making sure he is tended to to the best of my ability. I AM NOT LIVING LARGE on his $1086/month. It doesn't even cover his expenses. I am tired of being questioned in the care of my father by this certain brother of whom I always considered myself close to until his own decline in recent months. I can't remember the last time I spoke to him where he had not been drinking, or his own judgement seems clouded, yet, when I state that he is more than free to come and take my father and care for him, all I get is the righteous finger pointing. It is sad that he can all sit back and finger point and say he believes the stories in which my father is telling him. Such as, "I am going to have to move out of here," "I am going to have to live in my car," PLEASE!! They don't seem to be hearing from him what the doctor called me about this week, or that he had multiple doctor appointments already this month, 3 different med changes, the calls that interrupt my WORK day, the time I have had to lose and then make up for work to tend to my father's issues. Not to mention, I had an appointment of my own this week. God forbid I take time to tend to me, which by the way is totally slacking. No real concern that I too have bills that are behind, that I too, hold a full-time job, own a home, and have MAJOR MEDICAL ISSUES !!!

I have done more than my share to tend to and take care of my parents. My mother was a true angel, right up to the end, and knowing that she dealt with this BS for 60 years from a man who can't make a decision to save his own ass .... is totally and incomprehensible. Yet, these so called men who are my siblings, have either ignored what I do completely, or they feel it is their duty to "TELL you how it is," when they are not here to witness it, partake in it, etc., they make a weekly or biweekly phone call and feel that good ol' dad is doing just great, no issues here. No real communication between us all to compare the tall tales which are being told to each of us, all dealing with some very small truth buried in there somewhere. No realization that if I do turn my back on my father that in this state, I could go to jail for endangerment. I guess it is pretty easy to point fingers when it isn't you or anything about you or yours that will be totally and completely effected by the actions.

I am not going to apologize for after all these years, saying I am taking care of my issues now!! If you want to call me selfish CWD, you go right ahead. As it was not me to joined the military and went off at 17 to tend to and live his own life, and didn't bother coming back into your parents life on any real level until the last few years. You, with every time I have to encounter you in recent months, are turning out to be more and more like your father, and your oldest brother, and come to think of it .... the two younger ones too!!! I have not had a stroke, I have not had a heart attack, I do not have high blood pressure (not sure how I dodge that one with all the BS), and I am not still smoking and/or drinking like a fish. Now, if that is how you chose to deal with your health issues, that is your decision. I chose, to live longer, there are things I still want to do, desire to do and see while I have the opportunity to be healthy. I am not asking anyone to take care of me, and I think it is pretty safe to say that I couldn't count on my siblings to help even if I wanted them too, but I have done nothing but take care of someone, for most of my adult life. I am truly tired and with each passing day, I seem to come to the realization that my immediate family, are not in any way the people I thought I was raised with, or who I thought they were. I am so far off the mark it scares me as to my judge of character. This is a totally disgusting place to be, at a time when we should be able to count on the other, all I seem to be getting is their own issues of what I feel are their own guilt.... NOT MINE!

I don't have to look too deep to discover who I can continue to count on, on who is not going to judge me or the decisions I have made in regard to not only my own health concerns, but to those of my father .... DENIAL should be tattooed on them to let them know when they look in the mirror that perhaps they should look just a little deeper into the eyes looking back in the mirror. I really wish I could throw the blame somewhere else .... but I can't ... as I made the choice to help my parents, I did not, however, make any sort of death bed pack to see to it that my father lives independently or that he puts the lives of others at risk, or that I must deal with the insanity on a daily basis, every week getting worse, and every week becoming more and more stressful to me and my health. Now, perhaps my death will not mean a whole lot to my brothers, but to my daughter, who too, is feeling all this added stress by her grandfather and feeling it deeply to the point where she is allowing it to effect her mental health, I say ENOUGH!!!! If I must be an only child, I will depend on my friendships, who have certainly stood by my side even when it seemed like a doomed situation, and have not yet run, many after years, then I will make the needed decisions and there will be absolutely NO ONE I must answer to other than God and laws that govern the state of AZ in regard to my father's care.

So ... if you can't support me, in what is going on in my life, and if you choose not to verbalize what may be going on in your own life that may be bogging you down, your problem not mine. So keep your name calling, finger-pointing, and mightier than thou attitudes to your self and LEAVE ME and MINE ALONE!! Hillary and I are not bitter, not yet anyway, given all the things we have been exposed to all these years of care taking, and all the things we know ..... one should think that no one was perfect .... far from it .... so please don't piss me off to the point where I am going to throw words I can't take back, or say in spite, as that may have been how I operated when I was younger, but not anymore. I am dealing with all of this in the here and now, where are you???? 10-15 minutes once or twice a month, don't pull you any brownie points in my book at this point.

And for those who seem to have an underlying assumption that I am living large, can take this into consideration, my up coming travel expenses are all being paid for out of donations, and split by those who have generously and unselfishly offered to travel with me ... NOT one of my siblings has made any such offer on my behalf. Friends, cousins (from both sides of my family), coworkers, but not one sibling! Pretty much lets me know where I stand in the family.

On that note, I guess I better go finish my laundry .... as the frustration is still eating away at my gut, and my head is pounding in a disappointment of such happenings.

PS: If someone should fall upon an article in TIME magazine in which my brother Mike stated to me today explained the situation I seem to be in the middle of, and "describing each of us to a tee" I would very much like to place a copy of it somewhere .... LMAO .... hmmmmm paper cuts there could be a real prize !!!

Thanks for being here ......
Light and Love to all who have supported me!!
et