Hello!!
I know I have been so "out of it" in so many aspects of life. Yep, even folks that cope with diabetes have life hit them in "normal" ways. Although, there really isn't anything I find normal about my current and on-going saga. I REALLY wish I could remember even 1/8 of what has transpired since December. That, and all the beuracratic (sp) BS that seems to go with it. I have multiple "sayings", "directives", "words of wisdom" comments stuck in my head and they have been daunting to me to overcome. One day seems to blend into another and I couldn't tell you what I did an hour ago!!! I continue to have outragous and bizarre dreams. I could go to sleep on the drop of a dime. I made HT cry last week when I snapped at her and asked her to please, slow down, I can't follow you!!!" All these months she has been telling me "I don't know what to do for you." ..... I guess that was the most important thing for me now. I have been out only a few times where I had to do the multiple people in one place .... I do know that on 2 of these outings, I was drained, empty, questionable ... I couldn't seem to follow any conversations, especially if there were more than 3-4 our us standing there. I was VERY uncomfortable .... and for anyone who knows me from "way back" ... you know I LOVED a party!!!
Party .... I guess this is a big weekend here in Prescott with the "Oldest Rodeo" in the area for the 4th of July Celebrations. A holiday in which I have always been fond of ... hehehehehe ... see, I was born into this world on the morning of July 5th .... and with this, my 49th opportunity to celebrate .... I find myself in a deep, deep, dark area. An area I think I can honestly say has not happened since contemplating and following through with divorce. This ... is 10X worse than I remember that.... and given what was involved in that entire relationship ... I SURVIVED, and even in dark times, thrived, and moved forward, hopefully learning ... but .... there is always that .... "I'll take a chance." I think I have rubbed off on Maggie ... she loves to just lay around, follow me, and sleep. Just like me ... I roam around, looking for lists I know I made and can't find ... just F'in aimless .... Depression, well, hell ya!! but .... I wonder how much of it is ... and how much of it is just areas of my brain in which need to be re-ignited .... ????????? I have not taken up drinking .... LMAO .... although the thought has crossed my mind ... then I remember what the "rest of them" resemble.
Given the traffic, people, horses, too many people for me to cope with alone, I have decided to hunker down starting tomorrow afternoon. I have to venture into town for a therapy appointment ... and then I am in and around my own home, and with any luck, guidance, alignment of the stars ... the moon, the Gods .... whomever and whatever may put my ass into some sort of productivity. I have all I need right here ... and I am considering locking myself into my end of the house and finishing ... actually beginning, the area called my bedroom, and turn it into the serene, relaxing place I have preparred for since moving in .... 4 years .... I think it is time to settle down. I can't imagine what life would be like if I was still caring for my parents and thier needs...??? Yet, lately .... I believe I feel my mother close ... and not a day has gone by since this nightmare began have I wanted her, or needed her more. <3
I would like to wish a Happy 4th, Happy St. Jean the Baptiste' ... whatever you may celebrate in this month of Glory!!! Please practice some caring, common sense to our daily activities and those we encounter ... something I found amusing in looking at myself these days ..... I don't like to go out lately because for the 1st time in my life .... I just can't bring myself to fake it!!!!
Peace, Light, Love and Gratitude
et
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