More heartache

Hey .....again ....

Twice in one day, taking a break as I can't find the tool I need to complete the kitchen baseboard. Came in to see what might be going on in the world and try to distract from the phone calls today which has truly opened my eyes to the mentality of my older siblings.

Yes, I am going to vent here as I really only know of the 9 or so people that are faithful followers. They will certainly understand where I am coming from as they have witnessed most of what I have had to cope with over the last 5 or so years.

I tried to call one brother this morning in regard to $$ being sent to my father. He didn't answer his phone..... convienence .... perhaps. So I called another of the older brothers, to get his take, and ask what exactly had been said in a prior conversation with the other brother. Out of 5 brothers, 3 older, 2 younger, I pretty much wrote off the yonger 2 a long time ago as they turned into your basic dysfunctional druck/addicts, and although I had hope for the youngest one, he too, fell into his bottle, saddly to say .... I never see him coming up. I guess not only is high blood pressure hereditary, but so is the alcohol and stupidity.

In any event, I was very much enlighted by the conversation with the brother I did talk to, and completely discusted and totally disappointed in the lying that has come about. So here I am going to state it for anyone who wants to listen or care to know, I AM DONE, with childhood issues that these grown men still have, refuse to deal with for whatever reason, and do nothing but piss and moan about what the other has done, or not done, or thier opinions. My oldest brother, turns out to be one of the biggest issues going. I have not heard from him in almost 21/2 - 3 years, yet I hear from others, YES, I still comunicate with many people on the east coast, so you can't hide what you have said and lack of what you could have done. GROW UP!! As for the others, Iguess if you my my father to be so sharp, or that he needs cash in his pocket so he feels good about himself, maybe you should take him. As his money doesn't take care of what has to be paid, and quite frankly I have extrodinary medical expenses and I have decided that I am no longer going to dish money out of my pocket, have my phone shut off, or allow my daughter to pay for his meds ..... or anything else ..... I have the POA therefore when the doctor makes his diagnosis on dad's mental state come Tuesday, (another day out of work for me, or several hours as I try to schedule his appointments around MY schedule. But, seeing as they don't do anything in regard to actual care and upkeep of the man, they wouldn't think anything else would they. Also, it has become vividly clear that the disease that I live with and have for 37 freaking years, not only does not register on thier compassion scale, what I deal with on a daily basis, or what to do in the event of an emergency, or that it would matter one way or the other as to if I lived or died, then so be it.

Now, I will say this only one more time, I love my brothers, for thier individual personalities, NOT what they have or don't have!!! But, it has become so clear that to have a relationship with them is only toxic. I too, grew up in the same household, I too, remember ruined holidays, drunken ranting at all hours of the night, and am aware that you may have taken the "strap" a few times ..... but ..... LET IT GO ALREADY!!! I can't believe that any of you would carry that along your whole life, or that you blame each other for what the other may or may not have. I don't get it, Ma didn't get it .... but I will say this .... Mike got his chance with mom before she died, Colin got his chance before mom died, Earl, all I have to say to you is that your mother died "worrying about her oldest" ..... for what, cause you couldn't grow up and get past some childhood trauma or "issue." For whatever your reasons, they are YOUR reasons, not mine. The issues I am dealing with in my life over the past year are literally killing me, and I am not going to allow it. Got it??? You can support me, or not, I guess it really doesn't make much difference to me. I have lived without the support before, I can do it again. I cannot believe the support of strangers, friends, coworkers, that have come forward here and all the way from Massachusetts to support me, emotionally, with financial donations, offers to help man a fundraiser, etc. WHY, because apparently they find me to be selfless, giving, caring, inspiring in my strength to overcome what has been placed in front of me at the time to be addressed.

With that being said, I remain grateful for the lessons I have learned thus far in life, I have no guilt, I do not, however, have ANY extra funds to support an elderly man who is losing his mental facilities, (not that he ever had any to start with) and I will not stand by and wait for him to hurt someone else, in his determination to hold on to some childlike ideation of independence. He needs to be watched, over seen, he can't be trusted, he tells tall tales .... and when caught, can't come up with a cover fast enough to save his own ass. FYI I "blew a gasket" on my father today as well. I totally lost my patience, and let it rip. "I only want you to pay for ...... " that is great, but not with my money anymore. I have lost time at work, or had to make time up to accommodate for his doctor appointments, I pay for the stamps, the gas, I write the checks, and I am suppose to give him mad money too !!! Over my dead body, and if it continues this way, my body will in fact be dead, and that was all my father was worried about today, was who was going to take care of him !!!! It is my turn to be selfish .... and to be honest, I am really tired of taking care of other people, all my best years were given to someone else and for what ???? Because .... I thought I could make a difference in some small way. I have been taken advantage of, walked on, over, and through .... you can't help those who don't want to help themselves. Not until this very day ..... did I understand the story my mother told me (I also have these words in her own handwriting) and that was "No one, knew me, cared what my feelings were, thought about how their actions would effect others, if they hurt me, etc." Because we are strong, does not mean we don't have a heart, or that it can't be broken or hurt beyond repair, or that we too, can be lonely even in a house full of people.

I have many fond memories of past years ..... with most of my brothers, on various occasions, and I try to remember those happy memories as opposed to drudging up all the hurt and pain, and for me, often times fear, as a child. The fear was always calmed by one of the older boys, so I understand issues, everyone has them. I choose to cope with mine, my way, head-on .... I find it a little more uplifting ... I am not out to impress one person on this planet, I don't really care what you think of me, I am rarely politically correct as I think that is crap! I sleep soundly at night, and it is now, that I hope to wake up in my mornings. That will not happen if I continue as I have, stressing over things I really shouldn't have to take care of on my own, and miles, shouldn't make that much difference.

I will find out about my transplant by the end of this coming week. You are welcome to come and follow along, make comments, etc, but if you feel the need to withdraw and blame others for something you either have no control over, or choose not to let go of .... well ..... happy life !!

So .... thus ends another happy day in the dysfunctional family of ol' !!

I am at a point, where I really need to be thinking of me, my mental and physical health, mental health especially, as that is what has carried me this far in a life that was to have been cut short a long time ago. Anxiety is high right now waiting for the transplant team decision, and this is where my future lies right now. I am ready to plow forward, with or without the support of my siblings. I hope and pray (Ya, me ... I pray.... Imagine that!!) it will be there, but I don't want it if it is going to come with constant bickering !!! You can all keep that to yourselves, Thank you. I wish none of you harm, only that you will face whatever it is that eats at you, and come to peace with what we grew up with, and what has become of us ..... .... one might be reminded that sometimes, emotional support means more than any money could ever buy. Something to perhaps ponder. Even if the transplant doesn't work for me, at least I can say I tried, and that by me trying, perhaps another life will be extended in the near future, so who did I bring harm too, only myself as my daughter is aware of the risks, but is all too aware of what has been going on in the last couple of years with my health and its quick deterioration. Yet I continue to live my life, go to work, continue my education, and not really get to do anything I once enjoyed for reasons that either revolve around lack of money, or taking care of someone elses needs.

How will you remember me???

Enjoy your evening !!
peace and love
et