Hey WWW ... and those who check in to see what new chaos is happening.
I might as well ramble here, no one else listens to me and it has been primarily Maggie and I, for what seems like forever. Every time I come close to uttering the words "I think I am getting better" .... someone shoots me this odd look and cracks out "maybe a wee bit." WTF ..... seems to have become my mantra on a daily basis, for so many reasons. This post will pretty much give you an idea of how flighty I can be, and I just want you all to know, that this is so beyond frustrating for me, I can only imagine how I am irritating those who have to come in contact with me, with the exception of the staff at the physical therapy place. I can only put a name to, I am thinking only 2 staff members .... the 2 I deal with a majority of the time. However, every time I come through the door the place starts smiling and laughing. On Weds afternoon, HT came with me so we could review the MRIs with the "land therapist", who is also my main gal. Come to find out, I could be the mother to more than half the staff, yet ..... and this flipping makes me laugh ..... and laughing has been a rarity since the accident. ...... lots of dead air space that just hits .... in the middle of a decent thought. I feel very empty, the inside of my head scattered, scrambled, and often times pounding to the point of feeling like it has legs. The feeling of the "ice pick" holding my head on at the base of my skull is a constant ache, and as I become more focused (or attempting), the slightest thing, that never bothered me prior, distracts me, I have no filter ........ which could really go up someones .... knowing how blunt and straightforward I can be on a normal basis ... I am just overall frustrated. Not being able to work a full day, .... I can't begin to thank those that I don't know at work who have donated PTO so that I can get paid my full wages .... that can't go on forever. I feel like I have been tested and tested again, and yet ... still lost. I have to undergo an EMG .... I had one of these done years ago mid 90s ..... I am not looking forward to it on any level, including results. I am trying to arrange another stem cell treatment .... but am trying to let some natural healing take place .... not only that $$$$$$ is beyond tight. I am behind on most everything....... something my mom would say ... "Robbing Peter, to pay Paul." ..... I'm not feeling my usual charming self. I have been told that there are PTSD symptoms present .... NO SHIT SHERLOCK!!!! .... along with trying to get over and cope with my new-found fears since the accident, has brought up some pretty vivid stuff from my past......... being older now ... I have, a small edge .... if I can just dig deep enough to remember where I placed it.
I was very prepared for change in 2012 ..... but this isn't quite what I had in mind..... and currently .... I should probably go to bed .... I can't determine what hurts more after my PT, which I showed up an hour late for, and then waited around town for 2 hours so I did some errands .... can't tell you what right now .... oh well .... now that you are all shaking your heads too, I am going to cover my aching ankle, knee, neck and lumbar spine with as much heat/ice as possible ... if nothing else, Maggie and I will no doubt breathe and sleep pretty clear tonight. To all you male readers ..... How sexy is that!!! ..... LOL ..... It's is about the only thing that HT and I have laughed about in recent weeks. This change from the accident on so many levels has put a real strain on our relationship ..... there are a LOT of raw emotions flowing and it is just another leg of my journey ... HOWEVER, ..... I do believe that this might be my last leg .... how many lives can one person have??? I have been told, I am a tough chick, have more lives than a cat, the shelf life of a Twinkie .... WTF does that mean???? My sharp humor took a hard hit, now I feel like I should dye my hair blonde and just go with it ..... I'm in here ... and I WANT OUT!!!! My brain was the only thing I felt I had left going for me, and I enjoyed and love using it .... clearly and focused .... not always adult, and with my humor ... everything about me is off and I am trying to stay positive, but the pain on so many levels is often hard to take ... I just want to sleep until my brain and my body feel rejuvenated, regenerated ... and that is where another stemmie treatment will come in some MASSIVE ......(sitting here with my mouth open)
I'm done ....
I hope that this rambling finds those who visit happy and healthy.
Be good to yourselves, be good to each other!!!!
Peace and Light
et
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