Honesty Hits too hard sometime ...

I am always amazed that come the holiday season, the season of "Good Will Towards Men...", that a situation seems to present, usually something that has been lingering for months, maybe years for some, that just HAS to teach a lesson!!!

Today, at this very moment, I am not sure if I am having some sort of lingering panic attack (several hours worth now), or perhaps signs of a heart attack. I am going to go with the first one at present. I am sick to my stomach, physically ill, tense, shaky, stiff, achy, my jaw is tense (maybe from grinding my jaw).

I need to write/type, as I don't know what the lesson should be here now, and I don't take any sort of antianxiety med ...LOL..or if it is just a sign to stop my fight (my spirit, my very being)??? It became so blatantly obvious to me this morning .... that BAD people do exist ... "Little Bernie Maddoff's" come to mind. WIN, WIN, WIN ... at any cost, ANY cost at all. I am not that sort of person. I have never been one of these persons, and as of what I saw clear, without my glasses this morning was a reality that I truly believed I had overcome so many years ago. I guess my outlook on life can be very, unrealistic to some, but I realize that everyone copes with life's crises the best way they can .... I think ...??? I still question this theory ....there have been very few people in my life, that I can place in such categories.

This is a verbalizing of deep pain, inflicted of my own doing ... for believing that people can be honest, to the point of pain. I can attest, from personal experience, that there are very few people in life that can meet this personal challenge. A challenge that allows yourself to become vulnerable, raw, to the point of what seems like deep pain. It is not a place I like to be, but it seems, each time I have to cope with a situation in which requires me to place my whole self on the table, often in hopes that that other parties will participate, and am so deeply disappointed when I encounter a person who is just not capable of anything on that level. Makes me appreciate the fact that there are VERY FEW people left on this Earth who truly know who I am, what made me this way, my hurts, my joys, my pride, my intense over-reactive emotions, the pains that made me stronger in spirit, the awareness to know that I have touched people's lives, just for living mine, for whatever they see in me, a mean, cruel, heartless person, I don't think I could be. An ability to say to my loved ones, "This is who I am, this is who you are, we can agree to disagree, but continue to allow the love to grow deeper", in a more respectful manner. We all "bark" ... at some point in life, it is a human quality. Like a couple of nephews have pointed out over the years, "her bark is WAY worse then her bite." the ability of one to accept each other, with humor and respect, on a human level is a feeling that more people should experience on the "raw" level.

It sort of brings me back to my latest opinion of the great country I am suppose to live in. I see our young people, blindly going to war, with no coping skills what-so-ever. A whole generation of kids that were not taught pride, ethics, hard work, pays off more than any amount of money, material possessions, or status ever will. A country that will no doubt continue to see the greed, power trips, inhumanity of our fellow man and/or anther's circumstances. I always look at how much worse others have it, that my health and status on this plane is minor in the big scheme of things. I am a believer in karma ... I have seen it, been witness to it, and it becomes more and more clear to me every year of my existence.

I don't want to give up on humanity. Yet, my ability to fight such a strong ethical, humane manner in which to communicate with people, is growing old ... like me ... hahaha .... I have never been a fan of the whole "Politically Correct Movement" ... and I will, without a doubt, refuse to conform to such at this point in my life. There is a right, and there is a wrong, and it should play continuously from every corner of life for us. The journey, for me, has been far from an easy trip, mostly gravel ... lol... I have done my very best to make the best of bad situations with humor and some grace, because THEY HAPPEN TO ALL OF US!!! .... it's a fact people, deal with it!!

There are very few who will understand one word of this "Sermon" .... for those that do ... GOD, I LOVE YOU!!!! For these are the people, the souls, who have made me, in part the person I am today.

He died for us .... Let's not forget the sacrifice ...
In His Love, the spirit of the season,
Peace, Love, and Light!!
et

MERRY CHRISTMAS to all ..... sleep in heavenly peace ...