UHG

Morning ....

Slept pretty well last night with the first day of steroid dosing (the biggest dose starts it off) and the Vicodin for the pain. I sit here now sweating profusely just breathing as I can feel everything starting to loosen up and therefore rattle, which makes me cough hard, pulling that muscle repeatedly and elevating the BG. Running the pump at 150% of normal intake. Okay .... enough with the bitching.

I hauled my happy ass out of the house yesterday afternoon and to the cardiologist's office where he proceeded to tell me that I was "normal" in all aspects as far as heart function. I was thrilled!!!! My heart rate and rhythm often have caused an issue since my early 30s. I got a copy of the report for my records, and stood there and watched as the woman behind the desk faxed that last piece of documentation to Debbie, the transplant coordinator. (Lots of Debbie's in my life :D) I don't know if she works today, but I know she is in on Wednesdays as that is the day the team meets to review potential recipients. (I have my fingers crossed). I am so hoping .... I have tried my very best to keep an upbeat, positive attitude in regard to the future, but with all that is going on in the world it is starting to have a domino effect on me directly.

In the statement above, I am referring to my declining health status, my job status, the economy, etc. I am low on supplies, my budget is on the bottom line, I have invested a large sum in my education towards a better position with the promise of being compensated, only to read an email yesterday stating that due to Arizona's lack of a budget, and climbing deficit that there will be not only a hiring freeze, but a rate freeze, and possible second cut in reduction of staff. I was promised that compensation upon my certification, which I acquired in November, I was placed in this job August 1st, that was the first promise of increase. Now I realize that the economy sucks, and that the clinic is funded by state and federal funds, but I have taken on three-fold responsibilities since taking this position, and have worked REALLY hard, sometime at the cost of my health status to accommodate and prove I am capable of doing the job and the hope of furthering my education to perfect it. Maybe I am worrying too much, but I can't afford to lose my job, as then I will lose my house, my car, and ultimately my life as I am too old now to live in a box under the overpass, warm weather or not.

Last night I shut my eyes, took slow deep breaths, tried to clear my head of any thoughts what-so-ever .... and was pretty successful ..... for a time .... but then I open my eyes and reality is still sitting there looking me in the eye. The kid is all stressed out, with her lack of financial aid, student loans, working full-time, going to school full-time (14 credit hours) and despite what she says on the surface, I know she is worried about me. I can only do the best for me, to alleviate the fear on her. I have voiced my feelings on many occasions. That I did not give birth to this glorious child so that I would have a caretaker in my so-called old age. Never my intent. I was thrilled to have been blessed with a creature that was not only a wonderful baby, but a fun toddler, a little adventurer in our plight to stay safe on all levels. We have always made a great little team. She would refer to the three generations as the "3 Amigos" ..... and we were a twisted group!!! LOL .... now we are minus the Amigo with all the wisdom to show us, or at least reassure us, that things always work out as they should. It is just beginning to feel like the blocks are stacking against us yet again. Sometime it is very difficult to place all the pressing matters into the appropriate compartments, and deal with them one at a time. I can honestly say that I have done this for so long, that I am starting to feel like I am losing my touch.

OK .... well .... my breathing has become calm again. My inhaler has kicked in ... the heat radiating from underneath all this hair is cooling .... I am going to keep my activities light today in hopes of going back to work tomorrow instead of projected Thursday as instructed.

Thanks so much for the continued support, prayers, good thoughts and light!! I do feel them flying my way ... anyone from the east coast interested in a trip to San Fran ... LOL .... I was instructed again yesterday by my endocrinologist that I am in no way to be traveling alone. (she had concerns about the steroids and my unstable BGs, lack of awareness, working, driving, etc., as was the cardiologist, both having asked if I had been working while sick these past few weeks ..... DAH!! ). Another fear in the back of my head. That at some point, (sooner rather than later) someone of these doctors is going to suggest I hand in my license. (That was a proposed threat back in 1997 on the East coast given the unawareness). I will make the world's worst dependent person!! I am used to doing for myself, I just recently learned how to accept help, and still am working on the whole asking aspect of it. I would give the shirt off my back to someone who needed help I could offer, I am just so not very good about asking for it myself. I have always preferred to put up the good front. This getting older and wiser shit is for the birds sometimes. Hillary tells me that I am very good in stressful, chaotic situations with an ease for making others more comfortable in a bad situation. Not my own I guess .... LOL.

Again ... I have some dishes to clean up while my baby-dog takes her morning nap. Hillary left for work over an hour ago so it will be a long day trying to stay calm and breathe to regain my energy and light for the new tomorrow. I will keep you all posted as to news I may get from San Francisco. I was reading last night about the drug that will be used in this trial and it is very promising. The FDA accepted the application for making it available in September .... 3 months after my application went to trial team. So I can't think of a better time to get in on this research. My faith in the FDA is not really that deep, seeing as I take a medication at times for my digestive track which is not even available in this country ... in large part, (again, my opinion, but can be backed up) due to the fact the patent ran out on the US being able to make any real money off the drug. I was told about this drug back in the mid-90s and here we are almost 20 years later, and still have to go outside the US to get it and it can help so many people with motility issues. I don't get it, other then the politics involved. I am not a big fan of politics either .... political correctness is not one of my strong points ... Most of you know ... if you don't want to know the truth, don't ask me cause I often just spout off what I see .... LOL ......

I am going to go chill out and sip on some tea, maybe slip back under the covers for a couple of hours, sort of chilly here this morning, and get a short rest in before my next dose of "roids."

Hope everyone has a great day !!
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